Satire: Amherst College Unveils New Stand-n-Stay Dining Option in Keefe Campus Center!

Maybe you have a fresh pair of Converse you need to break in. Maybe you couldn’t afford one of those standing desks. Maybe it was leg day yesterday, but you forgot to work your gastrocnemius muscle (damn it!), so it’s time to finally place a little bit of weight on your feet.

Well, good thing Stand-n-Stay has you covered! Because we’ve all been there — it’s 12:30 p.m. on a Tuesday, your homework’s done for the week, you’ve got no class to get to, no places to be, no people to tend to, and (most importantly), you love standing and staying.

Or maybe you love snakes! Or the long, squiggly shape of them, at least — the way they can slither around tables and chairs and resource centers, effortlessly weaving in and out of countless rooms and doors. Because that’s the exact formation Stand-n-Stay will have you and your friends standing and staying in.

Stand-n-Stay is now open on weekdays, 11 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., in Keefe Campus Center (16 Barrett Hill Dr, Amherst, MA 01002).

POSTSCRIPT: Sadly, Stand-n-Stay is currently under investigation after Amherst College’s beloved Grab-n-Go filed a copyright infringement claim just this morning. Of course, that didn’t make much sense to us either. The Amherst Student plans to diligently investigate the issue this week.