Satire: Amherst College Student Found Studying in a Rail Trail Bush

This morning, a group of runners found an unidentified Amherst College student studying inside a bush along the Rail Trail. The student has been lured back to campus with the promise of miso salmon on Val’s dinner menu next week. He has been detained for an interview by The Student.

Q: Good afternoon … Mr. … Um, actually, I don’t think we’ve met. Could you please introduce yourself?

A: Yeah. Sure. Hi, I’m Jo.

Q: Hi, Jo. Thank you so much for being here with us today.

A: Yeah, anytime. And look — I know vandalizing the bathroom walls with organic compounds is a little bit problematic, but in my defense —

Q: Actually, no, Jo, that’s okay. That’s not why we’re interviewing you. We actually wanted to ask about your study spot.

A: Oh, no kidding?

Q: Yeah. We received a news tip from the Running Club this morning that you were found in a … a … well on my paper right here, it says a bush? Along the Rail Trail behind campus? Did I get that right?

A: Oh. Well, yeah, sure. I didn’t know it was that big a deal. Lately, my friends and I have been spending a lot of time locking in at Le Bush.

Q: Le Bush?

A: That’s what we call him.

Q: Okay. Can I ask why you’ve been studying in the bush?

A: Sure, I mean it’s tough out here during midterms season. You know how it is. There’s nowhere else to study, and my chemistry grade needs it. Badly.

Q: Nowhere else to study?

A: Nope. Nerd school. Can’t get a table in Frost for the life of me. You know, I looked it up, and the library opens at 8 a.m. on weekdays. So naturally, I’ve been trying to get there right at 8 a.m. But even opening time is too late. You get there when it opens and it’s completely full with all the academic delinquents who hide in the corners when they’re kicking people out and spend their entire night studying in there.

Q: Interesting. So the bush was your next best option?

A: It was more of a last resort kind of thing. First, we tried sneaking into the library at night to join the delinquents, but let’s just say they aren’t the most accepting bunch. Scary people. So then we did the next logical thing: we rented tents from the Outing Club and camped outside Frost every night for an entire week. Inspiration credit, by the way, goes to those people who camped overnight outside the Apple Store the night before the iPhone X was released.

Q: And that didn’t work?

A: Unfortunately, no. We’d take shifts sleeping so that one of us was always keeping an eye out for anybody who left the library. But two issues: First, nobody ever left the library. And second, the people inside Frost somehow started multiplying? Like, nobody’s leaving and so nobody’s entering, but every time we try to go inside to search for a spot, the number of bodies grows exponentially. It’s crazy. You know, I really think they might be reproducing in there.

Q: Okay. I think that’s all we have time for today. Thank you so much for speaking with us, Jo.

A: Of course. And if you ever need to find me, you know where I’ll be.

Q: Yes. Yes, I do. Thank you.