Satire: AAS Votes to Buy All Senators Horses

Columnist Thomas Brodey ’22 satirically comments on AAS’s recent expenditure vote to fund AAS jackets and jokes about President Martin’s iconic equestrian entrance on Bicentennial Day.

Last Monday, the Association of Amherst Students (AAS) voted to allocate the entire annual budget on purchasing each Senator a horse. The move met with a standing ovation from the senate, with one senator declaring it “the culmination of AAS’ long mission to serve the students of Amherst College.”

When pressed for explanation, Senator Tucker Yates said, “AAS isn’t some private club of students. We are representatives of the entire student body. I myself was elected by a resounding majority of 43 votes to nothing. As representatives, every benefit we personally receive is symbolically a gift to the entire student body.” Yates’ explanation was briefly drowned out by the noise of senators violently shouting down Random Acts of Kindness’ request for $20 for snacks.

“I can’t wait to see the enthusiastic response of my constituents when they hear about this act,” continued Senator Yates. “Most years, all we can manage to provide for us Senators is an easy resume boost and a few generously-budgeted parties. But this year, we’re going to show the Amherst community just how much we can do to help everyone by helping ourselves.”

After the decision, AAS sent out a letter of solidarity in support of all the non-horse owning members of the campus. “AAS wants you to know that you are seen and you are valid. Amherst is a radically equitable campus, so we solemnly swear that you will face no discrimination because of your lack of horses.”

AAS’ measure also received a ringing endorsement from President Biddy Martin. “Real leaders don’t waste time asking the public how we should spend our money. Instead, we should let the benefits trickle down from ourselves to the lower levels. The boost in campus morale that more vegetarian options would provide is nothing compared to the joy Amherst students get from seeing me riding a horse. Sometimes people tell me to get off my high horse, but nothing can stop me riding with the wind in my hair, baby.”

AAS soon realized that the new horses would require housing, and frantically drafted plans to spend their rainy day fund on a new stable. Fortunately, President Martin saved the day by offering the recently-abandoned counseling center building. The building has stood empty and unused after the last counselor quit to work at Hampshire county prison. The building will now once again serve the interest of the student body.

Upon acquisition of the horses, all of AAS mounted up with impressive coordination and rode off in the direction of Panda East in a v-formation. When The Student reached out to Amherst Equestrian inquiring about how AAS had suddenly acquired such horsemanship skills, the E-Board declined to comment. The Student could not help but note that this semester AAS allotted Equestrian the unprecedented sum of $4,000,000, with the stern reminder that the funding be equitably shared among both of Equestrian’s members. Negotiations around the funding allotment were mysteriously blotted out of the Budgetary minutes.

AAS will return after break to discuss a proposed plan to turn the presidency into a rotating position with a five-minute term, thus enabling every member to claim to have been Student Body President without anyone having to attend more than one meeting per semester.