New Parking Lot to Replace the First-Year Quad

After the closure of the East Lot for construction, the college has announced plans to build a new parking lot on the First Year Quad, in an attempt to solve the ongoing shortage of parking spaces. Set to open at the end of this semester, the lot will replace Amherst’s iconic green space with 200 new parking spaces, accessible to students from 2:15 a.m. to 4:45 a.m. on Thursdays and Saturdays. 

“We realized that students were spending too much time looking for parking, so we decided to make sure that they never had to look for it again,” Assistant Vice President for Campus Optimization Reginald Dankworth said. “It’s not about doing what is best or the most practical, but rather about students being seen and administration doing something.”

Student feedback has been overwhelmingly negative. “It’s bad enough that I have to trek from Mo[rris Pratt Hall] to the tennis courts every time I want to use my car. But getting rid of the most peaceful and relaxing spot on campus is ridiculous,” Maya Wrath ’27 said. 

“I used to love my morning walk through the quad on my way to my 9 a.m. in Seeley Mudd. There was something special about immersing myself in nature before getting absolutely destroyed by my midterms,” Aria Kidding ’28 said. “I guess I’ll have dirty tailpipes and oil stains to look forward to now.” 

When asked about the choice of location, Dankworth said that it was the result of a unanimous, closed-door internal vote by the administration. “One of our main reasons for choosing the quad was the minute drop in student grade point averages from the past semester. Removing the quad, a major distraction, is a far more feasible option compared to investing in more faculty or departmental support, ” he explained. “Why do students need a space to throw frisbees, or chat in the sunshine, or set up hammocks?”

Despite rising tensions among the student body, the college remains steadfast in its decision. Administrators have emphasized that the new lot will not only alleviate the parking crisis but also add innovation to the campus. 

“It’s not about convenience, it’s about innovation. This new lot embodies the Amherst motto of Terras Irradient. We’re bringing a new light to the campus, or at least more taillights. Just because students didn’t ask for it, doesn’t mean that this isn’t a solution,” external campus planning consultant Jane Doe said.

In the meantime, the college has announced that naming rights for the new lot will be a consolation prize for the runners-up of this year’s Lip-Sync Battle. “That is, if we don’t decide to sell [the rights] to a corporate sponsor. Imagine having ‘The Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell Lot right in the heart of campus! I can’t think of a better way to fund our next great project,” Doe said. 

Students are planning a sit-in on the quad every night from 2:15 a.m. to 4:45 a.m., in correspondence with the new lot’s hours, in the hopes that they will inconvenience someone other than themselves. However, morale remains low, and students are looking for alternatives for the coming fall semester.

“At this point, I might as well start parking in Northampton and taking the bus over,” Wrath added.