The Fighting Poets: A Humorous Look at Field Hockey's Week

In the debut of “The Fighting Poets,” The Student’s first-ever humor sports column, Ethan Samuels ’23 and Alex Noga ’23 add a flare of absurdity to the field hockey team's 2-0 weekend.

What do the following all have in common: Bill Russell’s Boston Celtics, FDR in the 1936 election and Amherst field hockey through their first six games of the season? The answer — all three are synonymous with sheer dominance.

The field hockey team flexed their undeniable supremacy again this past week, defeating the MIT Engineers by an uncharacteristically close score of 3-1 on Wednesday, Sept. 22, before returning to their usual form and decimating the Connecticut College Camels 7-2 on Saturday, Sept. 25.

Perhaps initially underestimating the Engineers — or Nerds, as they should be more appropriately dubbed — the Mammoths allowed an early goal in the first quarter to fall behind for the first time all year. Like William Henry Harrison’s presidency, however, MIT’s lead was short-lived. Sam Maynard ’25 scored her fourth goal of the year in the second quarter to level the score at 1-1.

The Engineers, perhaps too concerned with doing whatever engineers do, allowed another goal within less than a minute, as Muffie Mazambani ’24 buried one in the upper-90 for her fourth goal of the season to give the Mammoths a 2-1 lead, and, like Ted Cruz boarding a flight to Cancun, they never looked back.

In an homage to the classic tune from “Annie Got Your Gun,” Maynard was not to be outmatched by her teammate, and she added her fifth goal of the year late in the second quarter to bring the score to 3-1. Unlike the Golden State Warriors, the Mammoths did not squander their lead, and the score held for the remaining two quarters.

Though the score seemed close, the Engineers, likely still upset they ended up at MIT rather than Harvard, were outmatched through the entire game. The Mammoths outshot the Nerds 28-14, registering 14 shots on goal to the Engineers’ five. Brick wall in human form Kaitlin Broda ’23 recorded four saves in the win.

The Mammoths rode their momentum into Saturday’s game in New London, Conn. against Connecticut College like teenage penguin Cody Maverick shredded waves in Sony’s criminally underrated 2007 film “Surf’s Up.” New London was once one of the largest whaling ports in all of New England, but the Camels’ measly harpoons were clearly no match for the might of the Mammoths.

Kat Mason ’25 opened the scoring in the first quarter, and though the Camels somehow managed to sneak one by the Mammoth netminder shortly after, Beth Williamson ’23E added her sixth goal of the season in the second quarter to give the Mammoths the lead — a goal so exciting that President Biddy Martin started chanting “I’m not f*cking leaving,” much to the dismay of Wolf of Wall Street fans.

Though their play was immaculate, credit must be given to Sarah Edelson ’23 for her inspirational antics coming out of the halftime break. As the players once again took the field, Edelson placed two basketballs underneath the back of her shirt and proceeded to get down on all fours and chant “hee-haw” as if to mimic the sound a camel makes — though we aren’t quite sure if this sound is biologically accurate. Soon, all the Mammoths joined in and, surprisingly, so did all of the members of the away crowd. The hee-haws were deafening and could be heard around campus — Conn College Campus Safety Operations Manager Jonathan Pardo said, “I was ready to sound the alarm — I thought we were being attacked by a herd of camels!”

Akin to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Natalie Hobbs’ ’23E goal in the first minutes of the third quarter sparked a slaughter the world had yet to see. Some may say that this goal was the final straw to break the camel’s back. In reality, the camel’s back broke the moment Conn. arrived at Silfen Field. We don’t think the camel even had a back to begin with. Or humps. Or legs. The camel wasn’t even a camel — onlookers likened it to a half-baked horse.

Though the Camels attempted to strike back with a goal of their own, the Mammoths strung together four unanswered ginos to put the game away like Mom puts the cookies on the top of the fridge. Hobbs and Williamson both added their second tallies of the game, while Mazambani and Maynard also added goals of their own.

Remarkably, camels can survive for up to 15 days without water, but these camels clearly couldn't survive four quarters in the face of local redcoat Bob Cooper ’23, who taxed the Camels’ tea for 51 minutes of play. Besides for their two goals, the Camels failed to record a shot on goal, while the Mammoths registered a whopping 17.

The field hockey team hopes to continue their scorching start on Tuesday, Sept. 28, as they take on Clark University in their first game on the new Hill field. The Mammoths then take on two NESCAC rivals, playing the Williams Ephs on Saturday, Oct. 2, before travelling to Vermont to battle the Middlebury Panthers on Sunday, Oct. 3.