Satire: Campus Police Log: March 26 to April 1
The craziest installment of the Campus Police Log, from March 26 to April 1, can be found here.
Opinion
Satire: Hearts of the Heard: Sunburnt Situationships
Relationship in limbo post-spring break voyage to Florida? The Student is here with insightful advice to guide you through the trickiest of circumstances.
Satire: Day in the Life of the Amherst Mammoth Mascot
In the first edition of our new column, “Day in the Life of a Mammoth,” The Student spent the day with none other than the Amherst Mammoth Mascot herself.
Satire: College Finds Novel Way to Escape Endowment Tax
Endowment Tax? Never heard of her. Staff Writer Savita Jani ’28 reports on the college’s project to spend all the endowment on the most anticipated project in college history: Bring Back the Woolies.
Satire: Campus Dining Attacks Latest Victim
Valentine Dining Hall is not for the weak. The Student sat down with Fizz personality “Mikey” to get a better understanding of the daily trials and tribulations of Amherst students in search of their meals.
Satire: Toddler Admitted to the Class of 2029
The class of 2029 makes history as toddler Tyler Young ’29 is set to enroll in the college as a geology major with a concentration in shoveling wood chips and making mud pies.
Satire: Star Trek: One Small Step for Mammoth, One Giant Leap for MammothKind
Starting in the spring semester of 2026, the Loeb Center will debut its newest trek. Eight eligible students will be propelled into the sky and tasked with learning amongst the stars in the new space-based program: Star Trek.