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Opinion

Satire: Campus Dining Attacks Latest Victim

Satire: Campus Dining Attacks Latest Victim

Valentine Dining Hall is not for the weak. The Student sat down with Fizz personality “Mikey” to get a better understanding of the daily trials and tribulations of Amherst students in search of their meals.

Satire: Toddler Admitted to the Class of 2029

Satire: Toddler Admitted to the Class of 2029

The class of 2029 makes history as toddler Tyler Young ’29 is set to enroll in the college as a geology major with a concentration in shoveling wood chips and making mud pies.

Satire: Star Trek: One Small Step for Mammoth, One Giant Leap for MammothKind

Satire: Star Trek: One Small Step for Mammoth, One Giant Leap for MammothKind

Starting in the spring semester of 2026, the Loeb Center will debut its newest trek. Eight eligible students will be propelled into the sky and tasked with learning amongst the stars in the new space-based program: Star Trek.

Satire: Editorial: The Amherst Student’s Bold Transition to AI-Written Articles

The Editorial Board announces new changes to the paper’s policy.

Satire: Cohan Hall: A Communist Utopia

Assistant Opinion Editor Olivia Tennant ’27 reflects on her delightful experiences living in Cohan Hall, a socialist paradise.

Satire: Valchemy: Freshly Squeezed Tomato Juice

Satire: Valchemy: Freshly Squeezed Tomato Juice

In this week’s edition of Valchemy, Columnist Ivy Haight ’25 creates the latest unconventional drink to satisfy Amherst’s tomato juice enthusiasts with a hint of french fry nostalgia.

Satire: College Holds Historic Interdisciplinary Panel on Democracy

Satire: College Holds Historic Interdisciplinary Panel on Democracy

MaKenna P. Stewart 1402 Professor of Theater & Dance Joseph Bailey changed it up in the eighth iteration of “Challenges to Democracy: Means of Resistance in the Trump Era.”