Satire: Secret Life of Amherst Pets: The Best Forking Pet
In this edition of the Secret Life of Amherst Pets, Assistant Arts & Living Editor Amber Lee ’28 writes about her journey in adopting her new pet on campus, Forky.
Satire
Satire: Galloping Toward Greatness: Inside Amherst College’s Most Revered Athletic Dynasty
Managing Opinion Editor Caroline Flinn ’28 gallops into Amherst’s most important athletic team, arguing that the hobbyhorsing team’s obsessive training, ceremonial routines, and metaphysical competitions can turn even a stick into a symbol of institutional pride.
Satire: Amherst Presidents Ranked by Athleticism
Assistant Sports Editor Joey Supik '27 evaluates Amherst's list of Presidents on the most pertinent category: their athleticism.
Satire: Why Duncan Robinson Should Be the MVP
Assistant Sports Editor Joey Supik '27 lays out Duncan Robinson's MVP case, arguing the former Williams College player deserves the award over his media-backed competition.
Satire: Lakers Star Luka Doncic Drops to Seventh
Managing Puzzles Editor Madeline Gold '28 notes Luka Doncic's fading position on the NBA.com MVP Poll, despite his best efforts.
Chain of Events — Wednesday, April 1, 2026
Try out this special edition puzzle!
Satire: “This has Gone Way, Way Too Far”: Elite Amherst College Teaches Disgusting Female “Orgasms”
Managing Opinion Editor Joey Supik '27 gleefully detonates a full-blown moral panic over “sexual degeneracy” at Amherst College, satirically documenting the supposed campus conspiracy to indoctrinate students with scandalous concepts like consent, sex education, and the mythical “female orgasm."