Amherst College March Madness

The annual Amherst College March Madness has just finished, and the results have been a lot to take in. I’d like to break it down for everyone, go over the big upsets, and discuss the eventual winner’s path to Mammoth glory.

Let’s start with the round of 64. All the first-seeded teams, A Big Mike Speech (BMS), Memorial Hill Watching (MHW), Fizz, and Val Sitting, passed through with ease. Nearly all the second-seeded teams made it through, besides Frost Library, which was upset by the Triangle. No one had Frost going far into the tournament, discrediting its second seed placement and causing many fans to claim committee bias. Other notable upsets include A Good Study Spot (GSS) winning against The Divide™ 57-55, Gender Neutral Bathroom (GNB) beating the Rail Trail 76-62, and Robert Frost demolishing Blarney 64-39.

In the second round, many fan favorites left the competition, but BMS lived to see another day after edging out Vera 63-62. Bringing Back TAP (BBT) won on a buzzer-beater shot against Snow Day, winning 54-52. Austin Sarat’s experience in the competition showed in the matchup against The Spring Semester, besting them 70-62. Our Hate for Williams (HFW) is unrivaled against the Triangle, blowing them out of the water 81-32. MHW bested An Active Club 68-54, while GSS took down the 10x competition winner Antonio’s 59-56. A 5-College Friend beat Jenkins in a low-scoring match 32-30, while the Spring Concert and the First Year Quad on a Sunny Day (FYQ) had a complete shoot-out, with FYQ pulling through 87-82. Fizz was the first No. 1 team to fall, as The Fall Semester achieved victory with the score 68-45. Robert Frost’s outdated game plan failed against The Mammoth Rebrand (TMR), as the Rebrand walked away with a 73-50 win. Royal Chicken, in their tournament debut, managed to upset both No. 3 Professor Stephen Cartier in the first round and No. 11 Marsh in the second, winning against Marsh 65-63. The previous tournament winner and heavily favored Science Center lost to A Really Close Class (RCC), the score 54-53 in 2OT. To the surprise of no one, Val Sitting beat the Marriage Pact 65-50. GNB edged out The First Year Friend Group 74-72, and Study Abroad took down Fall Fest 53-48, wrecking 21% of brackets. To close out the second round, Renee destroyed Social Awkwardness 76-49.

The Sweet 16 showed the character of each squad. BBT had momentum against BMS, but Speech’s defensive efforts prevented BBT from gaining anything substantial. In the end, BMS took home the win 54-51. While Austin Sarat was strong, HFW was campus-wide. HFW won 64-59 against the Sarat squad. GSS led MHW for most of the game until MHW’s senior players took over in the last five minutes, propelling MHW to victory with the score 48-43. FYQ won easily against a 5-College Friend, with the score 74-53. The Fall Semester battled it out with TMR, winning 57-53 over the Rebrand after going on a seven-point run. Royal Chicken’s Cinderella run ended against RCC, with the class taking a 65-57 win over Royal Chicken. Val Sitting showed its championship-caliber abilities against Gender Neutral Bathroom, winning 69-52, with 40 points coming from the bench alone. Study Abroad, their star player injured in the second round, stood little chance against Renee, as she took a commanding win over Study Abroad 81-43.

The Elite Eight: the battles between the best. BMS gained a controversial win against HFW, as fans proclaimed Speech got a bogus call in the game’s final minute. After a dubious foul call, BMS made two free throws that guaranteed them the 65-64 win. Cross-town rivals MHW and FYQ made this matchup personal, with each side committing over 15 fouls. With a half-court buzzer beater, FYQ walked away the victor, the score 68-67 in their favor. RCC completely fell apart against The Fall Semester, losing in embarrassing fashion, with the score 56-32. Val Sitting and Renee, two squads who combined as the winner in 41% of all brackets, didn’t disappoint the fans. In what will surely be regarded as a top-10 game in tournament history, both sides scored over 70 points in just 30 minutes. With the game tied, Renee brought the ball down the court with only a minute to go. Passing the ball into the paint, Renee got a tough layup to lead by two points. Val Sitting inbounded the ball, only for Renee to steal, choosing to waste time instead of immediately going for a basket. Val Sitting, blocking Renee’s final shot attempt, quickly moved the ball down the court with no timeouts left. Finding their star player, the Salad Bar, with only three seconds left, Val Sitting sank a three to take the lead as time expired, winning 83-82.

The Final Four: BMS vs. FYQ, and The Fall Semester vs. Val Sitting. BMS got off to an early lead, going into halftime up 56-19. It’s still unknown what was said in the FYQ locker room, but they came with vengeance in their eyes as they took the court. Outscoring BMS 60-20, FYQ pulled off an impossible comeback, winning 79-76. The Fall Semester’s elite coaching against Val Sitting proved effective, as Val Sitting was unable to rebound the ball whatsoever. The Fall Semester earned the 66-52 win.

In the Amherst College March Madness Championship game, FYQ went on an unanswered 19-point run against The Fall Semester. FYQ’s coach, a disciple of The Fall Semester’s tenured coach, knew how to best his old mentor early on. FYQ, however, didn’t account for The Fall Semester’s tricks. After adjusting the lineup to defend only FYQ’s best 3-point shooters, The Fall Semester began to gain momentum. The Fall Semester slowly took back the lead, taking a significant advantage in the game’s final eight minutes. With only 4% of all brackets taking The Fall Semester as the tournament winner, The Fall Semester is the least-selected winner in Amherst College March Madness history. The Fall Semester won against FYQ, the score 71-59.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.