Campus Dining Attacks Latest Victim

This past week, an Amherst student collapsed onto the multicolor tiles of Valentine Dining Hall — writhing in pain.

His post later that day, stating “Literally broke my wrist scooping the Val ice cream today” went viral on Fizz — Amherst College’s unofficial anonymous social media platform — with nearly 700 upvotes.

Hoping to learn more, I sat down with the author of the viral post, @mikeysbigtoe, in Frost Café. To maintain his anonymity on the platform, @mikeysbigtoe has chosen to be referred to by the pseudonym “Mikey.”

While our interview was scheduled for 3 p.m., Mikey stumbled in around 3:43, his clothing torn, fraying, and covered in dirt. With crutches and casts around both his arms and wrists, it took him around 15 minutes to make his way across the room — weary and pale, it appeared that there were bags under the bags under his eyes.

His wrist in a cast, he placed it on the table between us — displaying his injury inflicted by Valentine’s Dining Hall’s new locally-sourced acai sorbet.

“You know, people think we have it so good here at Amherst College,” he said, “But even though we go to an elite private liberal arts college, we suffer too.”

Mikey is a victim of what he likes to call “Val Attacks,” a term he coined back in September when the reusable to-go cups were phased out from the dining hall. Mikey has been unable to consume liquid ever since.

“I’ve found ways to survive since that first unprecedented attack,” he said, wheeling out one of his intravenous fluids (IV) bags. Still, for Mikey, this “Val Attack” was the first of many.

Following the recent disappearance of the Grab & Go grapes, Mikey developed a serious case of scurvy.

“I wish I could also show you my internal bleeding,” he shared. “Just know that it hurts super bad.”

He did, however, smile to show me his bleeding gums. I also noticed many missing teeth — broken off by the weekend Tandem bagels he claims are “dangerously stale after 11 a.m.”

While there were too many injuries to point out, he did share with me his most recent wound: a bloody gash on his palm — the result of Valentine Dining Hall’s new ornate bowls that were “designed too sharply.”

“What happened to the round bowls?” he asked. “Why do they have all these edges now?”

It was around this point that Mikey began to cry.

Between these muffled sobs — in which I offered him brown compostable napkins because I couldn’t find any tissues — Mikey shared that, while he identifies himself as the most outspoken victim of “Val Attacks,” he believes that he is one of many.

“Every upvote is an ally or fellow victim, someone who understands me,” he shared.

Despite the physical and emotional pain he endures, he has found solace in Fizz — a continuously positive and uplifting platform for a great deal of the Amherst Student body.

In seeing the outflow of support, Mikey remains optimistic. He hopes to mobilize a new resistance force, especially in the face of the most dangerous attack yet: the removal of the fridges and microwaves from dorms.

While many students back the resistance, citing disability concerns, Mikey is most concerned about Friday and Saturday nights, when he has to go Late Night-less.

“If I don’t have a place to keep my seven untouched Grab & Go yogurts, I will have no late night snacks.” Mikey said. “And then I will starve. Literally. I will die.”

To avoid death, Mikey believes that Amherst College students, “suffering at the hands of Big Dining Hall or Residential Life or whoever is in charge of those decisions,” must retaliate.

“If they take away my fridge, you will find my body dead on the steps of Frost library,” he said. He hopes other students will join him.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.