Campus Police Log: March 26 to April 1

>> March 29, 2025

12:16 a.m., Hitchcock Hall
Community Safety discovered Emily Dickinson’s fake ID and handed it over to ACPD.

3:48 a.m., Beneski Earth Science & Natural History Museum
ACPD responded to reports that Bebu, the giant mammoth skeleton, came to life. ACPD could not corroborate the reports.

10:55 p.m., Valentine Dining Hall
The intrusion alarm was triggered. Upon investigation ACPD caught a student replacing the Greek yogurt with cream cheese.

11:54 p.m., The Bunker
A staff member hit the panic button upon discovering a secret meeting of the campus’ black squirrels.

>> March 30, 2025

9:33 a.m., College Hall
A squirrel shot at an ACPD officer. The shot missed. The squirrel was arrested.

4:12 p.m., Frost Library
ACPD responded to reports that Robert Frost’s ghost was terrorizing students on C-level.

6:32 p.m., ACPD
ACPD received numerous reports of messages of a disturbing nature on Fizz. An investigation discovered that a group of raccoons posted the messages to intimidate the skunk population.

8:45 p.m., Valentine Dining Hall
A group of students stole the ice cream inventory. ACPD is investigating the theft.

>> March 31, 2025

1:35 a.m., The President’s House
Community Safety responded to a noise complaint. They discovered that President Michael Elliott was missing. Upon investigation, a ransom note, signed by Maud Mandel, president of Williams College, was found.

>> April 1, 2025

7:37 a.m., Converse Hall
ACPD discovered President Michael Elliott unharmed. He was wearing a Williams sweatshirt.

4:19 p.m., The Bunker
An employee discovered a secret passage that led to Fizz’s headquarters. ACPD confiscated all of Fizz’s equipment.

11:24 p.m., First Year Quad
Community Safety responded to a report of a “strange” large gathering. The freshman class was doing the “Mannequin Challenge.”

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.