Satire: Campus Police Log: March 29 to April 1

>> March 29, 2026

2:59 a.m., Frost Library
ACPD responded to an intrusion alarm caused by a student. The student was identified as a senior in the midst of thesis season who had broken into Frost Library to gain access to references in the archives. Officers deemed it an act of necessity and offered the student coffee.

3:41 p.m., Charles Pratt Hall 
ACPD received a report of a verbal altercation between two students. The argument was determined to be over who would get access to the single functioning washing machine. The matter was referred to Student Affairs, and officers removed the machine to prevent future conflicts.

10:18 p.m., The Quadrangle
In video footage related to an ongoing investigation, the culprit of a recently reported theft of a DoorDash delivery was discovered to be a squirrel. 

>> March 30, 2026

1:07 a.m., Seelye House
Two fire extinguishers were sprayed at a pool-themed party in a common room. Community Safety identified the perpetrators who said they wanted to “match the vibe.”

7:24 p.m., College Hall
ACPD responded to a call from an elevator emergency phone. The elevator was reported to be stuck between floors with one occupant inside. AFD was dispatched. The occupant identified himself as Michael Elliott. While awaiting AFD, Elliott invited the dispatcher to record an episode of Between Two Mammoths.

>> March 31, 2026

6:45 a.m., Valentine Dining Hall
ACPD responded to calls about a suspicious figure lurking outside Valentine Dining Hall. Upon further questioning, ACPD found that the suspected individual was just trying to be first in line for the omelette bar.

3:48 p.m., Dickinson Parking Lot
ACPD took a report of a minor vehicle incident. The driver assured ACPD that the light post hit their car, not the other way around.

9:14 p.m., Frost Library 
Community Safety responded to a noise complaint of a talkative study group on C-Level. The offenders were removed and a criminal complaint will be filed at the District Court.

>> April 1, 2026

9:23 a.m., Campus Grounds
ACPD responded to numerous reports of a person wearing a Williams College shirt. Officers determined the individual to be a Williams student upon arrival. A written trespass was issued, and the individual was promptly escorted off college grounds.