College Finds Novel Way to Escape Endowment Tax

In a statement sent to the Amherst community last week, President Michael Elliott expressed concern at the possibility of a federal endowment tax, which would limit the financial freedom and aid-giving abilities of the college. However, the board of trustees was proud to report that they have found a way around this possible financial calamity.

Yesterday, one trustee revealed that the entire endowment has now been put toward research that will resurrect our lost mascot, the late and great Woolly Mammoth. “They say endowment tax, I say, what endowment?” The trustee said gleefully as he signed a check for three billion dollars made out to the research group Bring Back the Woollies. “They can’t tax something that doesn’t exist!”

The money will prove indispensable for Bring Back the Woollies, whose federal funding was recently rescinded because of the presence of the word “climate” in their research proposal. “We’re really confused about this,” one harried intern at the project reported. “The offending sentence was ‘The wooly mammoth lived in a frigid climate,’ but that set off some alarm bells somewhere I guess.”

Amherst College has expressed excitement about the project. “We’re honestly uncertain about a lot of things right now, and pretty concerned for the spirit of the college,” Elliott said. “But what better way to represent the true spirit of Amherst than to create a live-action version of Ice Age, right here on our campus?”

Although students were initially frustrated by the loss of their financial aid, they were pacified by the fact that a portion of the fund formerly known as the endowment will be used for mammoth-shaped ice sculptures and a limitless supply of mammoth plushies.

“At first I was like, ‘What about my aid?’” one anonymous first-year student reported. “But then they gave me a really cute plushie and said I could ride a real mammoth into graduation, so now I’m feeling pretty good.”

Other students expressed relief at the fact that the mascot was changed to a mammoth before this project was set into motion. “I mean, imagine if they tried to resurrect Lord Jeff,” said one alarmed senior. “Although,” they reflected, “he might get along with some people I know nowadays.”

Amherst students are now eagerly awaiting the arrival of their live mascot, which Bring Back the Woolies hopes will be ready by the end of the next academic year.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.