College Unveils New Major “Strategic Illusionism” Beginning Fall 2025
Amherst has introduced its newest major, “Strategic Illusionism,” which starts next semester. The major is intended to better prepare students for the current job market.
The college is set to introduce its newest major, Strategic Illusionism, beginning in the fall 2025 semester. The new program, aimed at students who have perfected the art of looking like they’re doing something important while achieving absolutely nothing, is the first of its kind amongst American universities and is set to revolutionize the way the nation thinks about productivity.
“This is a field that is growing exponentially, and I feel that it is now more important than ever that we prepare students for the way the job market is changing,” said the inaugural Department Chair and Associate Professor of Strategic Illusionism Faye K. Accomplishments. “We are teaching students how to appear as though they are maximizing their potential, while actually doing as little as possible.”
Courses will span a variety of topics, ranging from STIL-355: Advanced PowerPoint Presentations: Making Small Tasks Look Important, to STIL-273: Beating Around the Bush: How to Speak Without Saying Anything of Value.
“I’m already amazing at saying I’ll get a task done, and then never actually doing it,” said Jennifer Layzie ’27. “It feels great for that work to finally be recognized.”
“You know that one person in your classes who talks a lot but doesn’t actually do anything of note. Appearances are everything and learning how to manipulate them into looking like a high-achiever will help me thrive in the post-graduate world,” said Aaron Sloth ’25.
The first Strategic Illusionism majors will graduate in the class of 2028. Majors will be required to complete a capstone project or a thesis. As part of the major’s capstone project, students will be required to submit a portfolio containing sample resumes with job descriptions in bullet points, which look impressive at first glance but amount to vague assertions. They will also be required to submit long-winded and perfectly crafted LinkedIn updates, as well as lists of meaningless buzzwords to use when networking with alumni.
The Loeb Center has hired a new career advisor, A. Patrick Hethic, specifically for Strategic Illusionism majors. “These graduates are particularly well-equipped to thrive in high-pressure corporate environments,” he said. “Companies are itching to hire entry-level associates to aid their image of creating societal change and maintain the illusion of productivity.”
“This new major will help launch students into a wide range of future occupations, including politicians, consultants, and TikTok influencers,” Accomplishments added.
Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.
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