Event Policy Revived, Students Excited to Party for First Time This Year

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ‘25 covers the new Student-Hosted Event Policy and conveys students’ excitement to start partying this year, now that they have the college’s approval.

With the Student-Hosted Event Policy now back in effect, Amherst students are excited to go out and party for the first time during the 2021-2022 school year.  

Students report that they have been patient to receive the college’s approval before hosting or attending any parties. “I’ve been waiting patiently all fall for any sort of mixer, formal, or authorized event,” said club volleyball member Meghan Tresplay ’22. “There are only so many weekends I can spend sober in my dorm room reading books, playing board games, and writing short stories with my fellow non-partying teammates.”

Tresplay added that Hitchcock, Jenkins, and Morris Pratt Dormitories have felt noticeably empty on Friday and Saturday nights this semester with the absence of college-sanctioned parties.

On Saturday, the day after the policy was released, seniors purged all of their alcohol over 30 percent ABV in an effort to comply with the new guidelines.

“There goes my vodka, there goes my whiskey, there goes my gin,” exclaimed Cameron Ford ’22E as he and his friends downed the remainder of their hard alcohol. “We’ve always been committed to creating safe spaces for unsafe alcohol consumption. We just don’t feel comfortable asking people to come into our bedrooms to share our vodka.”

Ford and his friends were later handed a citation by the Office of Student Affairs (OSA) for consuming alcohol at a time other than Friday or Saturday night.

First-years, too, have been anxiously awaiting their first opportunity to attend a party. “Per the policy, I’m not allowed to consume alcohol, but I look forward to being surrounded by it,” commented Gill Freebaum ’25. “Mike’s Hard Lemonade is my favorite type of alcohol to look at, followed by Whiteclaw, and finally Smirnoff, which is the least pleasant type of alcohol to look at. If the policy didn’t prohibit bringing alcohol for other guests, I would ask my senior friends to buy me some alcohol to observe but not consume during parties.”

Freebaum added that he’s managing his expectations about Amherst’s party scene “considering that the occupancy limit of the Lipton basement common room is 99 guests and that one of the hosts must live in said resident hall.”

With the return of parties, students hope to take Amherst’s social scene to new heights. “Amherst’s party scene is about to go from ‘Pretty Disappointing’ to ‘Impressively Mediocre,’” Tresplay claimed.

In terms of social life rankings, Amherst sits comfortably between Creighton University in Nebraska and Sheridan College in Wyoming. “We’ve all shown impressive restraint to this point, but now it’s time to let loose and have some fun,” Ford declared as he logged onto his 60-minute Zoom training session with the OSA.