Faculty Vote to Eliminate Fizz Access

At a faculty meeting on Friday, Amherst faculty voted 166-1 to initiate a campus-wide ban of the anonymous social platform Fizz, effective immediately. Beginning on April 2, the IT department will block Fizz’s access to the college’s email servers, effectively blocking the app for all users. This decision marks the end of Fizz’s two-year existence at the college.

Faculty said that their overwhelming vote in favor to ban Fizz is a direct result of “concerning content” posted anonymously. They were alarmed by recurring posts of an overtly sexual nature and “serious racism and misogyny.”

“I think the ban is a great move,” a professor, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “Why do we have to communicate in a way that allows us to avoid responsibility? Now we have our police officers digging through bad memes while serious crimes,  like ice cream thefts at Val, are left unsolved.”

Stephen Cartier, senior lecturer in chemistry, offered the sole perspective. On March 29, he sent a long email to an editor for The Student expressing his view of the ban as “a response to more fascist overreach by the government.”

“I know there are some risks associated with it, but hey, what can I say? When you got the Rizz, you’re on the Fizz. It’s a curse,” Cartier said.

Although the administration is yet to formally announce the ban, users ranked top-10 on Fizz’s Karma Leaderboard received a private message from an account named “realmichaelelliott” on March 31 advising them to “archive any worthy contents.” Though he denied that he received this message, Cartier strongly advised his CHEM-165 students to download the picture of him passing out shooters of maple syrup to help him “build the brand.”

Fizz user doke4broke, currently ranked No. 1 on the Karma Leaderboard, said the Fizz ban is “truly devastating news.” After the administration told top-ranking Fizz users that Karma would be considered in the upcoming Housing Selection Process, broke felt certain they would soon be “sleeping in [President] Michael Elliott’s bed.”

For others, the sudden ban sparked more regrets than anguish. “I wish I had discovered earlier that Elliott was spelled with two “t”s,” Fizz user michaelelliotsvajayjay said in their newest post. “And I wish I ended up organizing that campus-wide scream I suggested on Fizz. But now at least I know that Elliott knows of me.”

However, some students remain highly skeptical of the news, while denying that they’re simply in denial. In fact, they see this as a “public stunt” played by the administration.

“What if it’s just like that whole TikTok ban thing?” read a post on Fizz. “They have us all panicking, confessing our wrongdoings … and the next morning, we wake up, and it’s all good because Michael Elliott came in and saved the day.”

The administration declined to respond but has upvoted the post, according to anonymous sources.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.