Hearts of the Herd: Valentine’s Day Edition

They love me … They love me not … Either way, Daisy Valentine is here to help! Welcome back to Hearts of the Herd, The Student’s official relationship advice column. This Valentine’s Day, resident love expert Daisy Valentine assists Amherst students who are managing situationship stress, ghosting guesswork, and relationship risks.

Submissions have been edited for clarity and style.

Dear Daisy, I’m a shy sophomore (M) who is extremely interested in someone on the women’s hockey team. They are so good at hockey that I’m not sure if I’m good enough to satisfy her. I’ve been asking her to hang out repeatedly over the past month and have been out to ice cream (yay!), but I am not sure how to move us to the next level. Please help. — Shy Sophomore

Dear Shy Sophomore, while your crush is awesome, don’t be negative about yourself! It’s great that she agreed to get ice cream (such a cute date idea!) but if you are asking her to hang out repeatedly and the response hasn’t been enthusiastic, it might be time to give her space. Or, even better, be honest about how you feel and what you want from the relationship. That gives her the chance to be vulnerable in return. If she’s also interested — great, perfect! It’s a chance to take things to “the next level” and ask her on an official date. And if she isn’t interested, it’ll give you the answer you need to move on and find the person who’s really right for you (maybe someone you won’t feel shy around!) — Daisy V.

Dear Daisy, I am gay. I want to find a romantic partner. I have not had any experience dating in my whole life. Where can I find gay friends on campus? How do I approach boys I find cute? How do I not be weird because he might be straight? — Rainbow Romeo

Dear Rainbow Romeo, first off, finding a group on campus that supports your identity is super important! Going to events hosted by the Queer Resource Center (QRC) is a great way to start building that community. Their events are posted consistently on The Hub, their Instagram account, and the Daily Mammoth. Beyond the QRC, there are also Queer and Trans People of Color (QTPOC), QTPOC “garties,” and the Amherst College Queer Athlete Alliance. The first meetings can be scary, but each community is welcoming to Amherst students. Making queer friends is a great first step to finding a larger network of people that could set you up with possible romantic prospects. Dating apps can also be a good way to see who else on campus are romantically interested in men.

If you’re worried about approaching a boy because you’re not sure if he’s also into guys, we recommend starting with a friendly and casual conversation to get to know him. It’s more important to build a connection than worrying too much about where it’s going. If he’s straight, he’ll likely just view it as a harmless and enjoyable conversation. Be confident in yourself! If he doesn’t end up matching your energy, that’s totally fine. But, if the conversation is going well, you can look out for signs of interest: initiated interactions, eye contact, and asking questions. Subtly flirting is also a great way to show some interest while not being pushy or inappropriate. Being respectful of physical and emotional boundaries is always important in any situation, regardless of sexual orientation.

In all, while having a romantic connection can be fun and enjoyable, you shouldn’t feel pressured to pursue something just because you feel like you should be. Really make sure that’s what you want before diving in! By being you, maybe putting yourself out there a little bit, and letting things develop naturally, things will hopefully start going your way, both in finding community and love! — Daisy V.

Dear Daisy, We were texting somewhat often. Things seemed good until I asked her to get lunch sometime and she ghosted me. What now? — Casper

Dear Casper, I’m sorry — ghosting is frustrating and a little too common. However, try not to take it to heart. If she changes her mind, she can always reach back out. But although ghosting is technically a lack of communication, it is definitely communicating something … For now, if you run into her in Val — be friendly and smile, but avoid texting her — it might be time to move on. Good for you for putting yourself out there! It can be difficult, especially if you don’t get the response you want. Take the time you need to feel better before diving back into the dating world, but just remember that there are plenty more mammoths in the herd! — Daisy V.

Dear Daisy, This guy that I’ve been seeing casually has said repeatedly that he doesn’t want a serious relationship. He’s been clear about this from the start, and, at the beginning, I thought I wanted the same thing. But now I think I’m really falling for him. I want to date him for real. What should I do?? I want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t want to risk losing him. — Situationship Sweetie

Dear Situationship Sweetie, thank you so much for sharing your tricky — and sadly, oh so common — situation. It is incredibly hard when you and the person you like don’t want the same things, especially when you already feel a connection to them. Ultimately, the best thing to do is be honest with your partner about how you feel. If you’re lying about your needs and desires, or trying to force yourself to accept a situation you don’t enjoy, you are never going to be happy. You owe it to yourself to not sit and suffer, even if it means the relationship ending.  Don’t give your partner an ultimatum – just express how your feelings have changed and try to have a constructive conversation about how you see your relationship evolving in the future. If he isn’t open to a serious relationship, then I sadly think the best thing to do is move on. It’s his loss – the right person will want the same things that you do! Stay strong solder! — Daisy V.  

Dear Daisy, My girlfriend and I just made it official a few days ago. Do I still have to get her a Valentine’s Day gift? What do I get her that’s appropriate? — V-Day Rookie

Dear V-Day Rookie, this is a great question. We think that you should totally get her a gift. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant at all, but something small or homemade is an easy way to acknowledge the holiday and that you care about her. On campus, the Wellbeing Maker Space in the Keefe Campus Center is a great place to get supplies and ideas for a nice card, photo collage, or little knick-knack to give to her. You can also take advantage of one of our on-campus Valentine’s Day events; make cards with the Poetry Club or Women and Gender Center (WGC), have Route 9 serenade her with a singing Valentine, or send her roses and chocolates through AAS’ Cupid’s Courier. Otherwise, chocolate, candies, and flowers is a tried-and-true classic for a reason! In this situation, the present isn’t really what matters, putting effort into a first Valentine's Day is a great way to show that you’re committed early on in the relationship when things are still new! — Daisy V.