Hearts of the Herd: What the Hex is Love?

Dear Daisy, 

I have a crush on a really cute junior, but I’m a freshman. I can’t stop thinking about him but whenever I see him I get really shy. I don’t know if I should say something or maybe wait a few months. Some of my friends have tried to talk me out of it because of the age gap.

— Yearning Youngster ’30

Hey Yearning!

While there may only be two years between you and your crush, there is a massive difference in your life stages. You are settling into college — exploring classes and discovering a world beyond your childhood home. Meanwhile, your crush is making concrete plans for post-graduation life. For this reason, I suggest you wait a few months before approaching your crush. Perhaps in the spring semester you will be on slightly more similar footing. 

An added benefit of waiting is that you will see if this potential relationship is worth the effort of bridging the gap between your life stages. Indeed, if your crush continues throughout the whole semester, then it’s safe to say it’s worth it to try. On the contrary, if your crush has lessened by the end of the semester, maybe your feelings are not strong enough to go through the struggle of being in a relationship with someone at a distinctly different life stage.

Nonetheless, love is hard to control and sometimes evades logic. If you find your feelings are too passionate or all-consuming to control, do not feel as though you absolutely can not approach your crush. At the end of the day, it is up to you to decide if the gap between you and your crush is too wide to bridge.

I hope you take my advice to wait, but you have my support no matter what you choose to do!

With love,

Daisy Valentine

Hey Daisy! 

My friend had been encouraging me to meet this girl for about 6 months. She goes to another school, and we finally met through mutual friends this weekend (10/10-11). We immediately got along, and we’re chatting a lot. But, unfortunately, I went through a very bad situation. She didn’t know about it, but she “had a feeling” and interfered anyway. We have a lot in common, but I’m scared it might not be romantic, because she’s the coolest person I’ve met in a while. Now what?! What would you do here?

— Panicked Partner ’27

Hi Panicked,

It sounds like there’s a lot to unpack here. First and foremost, I hope you know there are plenty of resources at Amherst to support you when you experience “very bad situation[s].” You should always feel comfortable using those resources — they’re here for you. Secondly, it is amazing that you had someone in your life able to infer you had a tough situation and act on that inference. Romantically or platonically those are the kind of people we should all surround ourselves with and try to emulate.

With that established and out of the way, let’s dive into your grave romantic dilemma: Is it romantic? And what should you do?

Many people struggle with determining if something is or should be romantic. You are not alone in that uncertainty. Your wording has me uncertain about the details of your situation, so I’ve attempted to address all possibilities.

If your concern is that you can’t tell if you have a romantic interest in her, then you should do some reflection on the types of thoughts you have about her and then see if your crush is satisfied by simply becoming closer friends. If your concern is that you can’t tell if she has a romantic interest in you, then you should ask the opinions of your mutual friends that have seen you interact, and/or you should engage in a low-stakes casual conversation with her about this topic. 

If your worry is that getting into a romantic relationship with her will hurt your friendship with her, then you should weigh the pros and cons of staying silent or exploring your emotions. The answer to whether the risk is worth it varies by person and situation, so I, unfortunately, do not know what is best for you. And lastly, if your worry is that you can’t tell if what you’re feeling is romantic or platonic attraction, I recommend you read my advice to Pessimistic Pal and Wondering Wooer below.

I wish you all the best with exploring your connection with this lovely, intuitive woman, whether you decide on a romantic or platonic route for your relationship.

Fondly,

Ms. Valentine

Before I ask my question, I wanted to make a confession to this fine, beautiful queen I saw while leaving my class today (10/14). She was waiting to go into the “Using Community Observations to Ask Questions about Massachusetts Black Bears” speaker series. I avoided eye contact so I won’t immediately fall in love. But, if I ever see you again, I’ll try not to avoid eye contact. If I’m feeling frisky I might even come up to you and start a convo, who knows. 

But real talk, are women at Amherst open to guys cold approaching? I’ve gotten quite a few stare downs plus smiles from women I don’t know on campus (yeah I’m lowkey fine shyt), but still don’t know if I should make a move. Are they just being friendly? Should I stop overthinking and just find out for myself? What’s the verdict here?

— Apprehensive Admirer ’28

Hey there Apprehensive!

You should definitely approach your black bear beau the next time you see her; it sure seems like she made a lasting impression on you! I’m glad you’ve been struck by cupid’s bow!

Regarding your question about guys “cold approaching,” the answer is yes, with some caveats. I, Daisy Valentine, have talked with multiple of my female peers, foreseen the future, and scoured Fizz: the women of Amherst are open to being approached, so long as you do so with respect and are open to the possibility of rejection. 

If you cannot handle potentially being turned down by one of the women you approach, then please, for the woman’s sake, do not hit on her. However, if you are understanding of the fact that she may reject you and does not need to give you a reason for turning you down, then go for it! Ask away! 

Some women that smile at you are just being friendly, but others are being flirty. Stop overthinking and take the opportunity: talk to her.  

XOXO,

Daisy Valentine

Dear Daisy, 

What does “romantic attraction” even mean? What does “dating” mean??? 

My only romantic relationship in high school naturally evolved from being best friends, so the line between friendship and romance was always really vague. Two months into college, I can’t feel the so-called “romantic spark” with anyone, and the lack of genuine resonance in my conversations is making me anxious. 

How do you even tell if you’re actually romantically attracted to someone, if you’re just lonely and looking for physical intimacy, or if you simply want to be close friends with them? How do I build meaningful connections with people and actually enter a romantic relationship?

— Wondering Wooer ’30

Hello Wondering,

First off, take a breath. You are only two months into college. You’re already adjusting to an entirely new environment and lifestyle; expecting yourself to also find a romantic connection in this time is a lot to ask of yourself at once.

To understand what romantic attraction is, it’s important to first know what it isn’t. Romantic attraction is not necessarily a magical spark, butterflies, or an instant feeling that someone is special. Differentiating romantic, platonic, and physical attraction is difficult. Many people struggle to comprehend the differences. You are not alone. A good way to navigate this confusion is asking yourself questions: whether you’re curious about the specific person or mainly about having someone who loves you; whether the idea of going on a date with that specific person excites you or just the idea of going on a date; and whether you want to discover what a relationship with them could look like. Remember, you do not need to have a definitive answer right away. The point of dating is to find that answer. 

Dating is simply spending intentional time with someone to explore your romantic compatibility. You can go on a date with someone without yet knowing whether you’re actually attracted to them and you are indeed allowed to discover you’d rather be friends.

As for how to build meaningful connections with people, the key is to not focus on whether you will have a romantic relationship with them. Take the pressure off yourself and interact without regard for potential future romantic relationships. Oftentimes, your preoccupation with your inability to find the one will make it harder to find them. 

However, I will concede, that’s easier said than done.  

Good luck,

D. Valentine

Dear Daisy, 

Why do people choose to have a romantic partner? You can be your own best lover and seek out intimate companionships with people you have zero romantic interest in. Everything that people seek out in romantic relationships can be fulfilled without a romantic partner, yet people still feel this overarching urgency and desire to be in a romantic relationship with someone. Why? What are they trying so hard to find in another person that they’d even be willing to compromise some important parts of themselves (career aspirations, lifestyles, and long-term goals) to make the relationship work? This is a question that I think about a lot and would love to hear your thoughts about.

— Pessimistic Pal ’30

Dear Pessimistic,

For those who don’t have romantic urges, the concept of romantic connection can be quite perplexing. Some people do not experience romantic attraction to anyone, these people are often called aromantic; some people need to have a deep connection with an individual before they experience romantic attraction to them; and some other people simply have not yet met the one. 

I believe that people do not necessarily seek romantic relationships because they need another person to fulfill them, but rather because they want to experience a unique connection different from any other. You can certainly be your own best lover and find intimacy without romance, but self-love and companionship are not interchangeable with the experience of being loved by someone whose life is interconnected with yours by mutual choice. 

Many people posit that romantic love offers something entirely irreplaceable and irreplicable. It might be better described as simply something uniquely meaningful to certain people. 

I do not believe people look for a romantic partner to complete themselves — in fact, I think that is a dangerous, slippery slope that leads people to tragically abandon fundamental aspects of themself. Rather, I believe people look for a romantic partner to find someone with whom being themselves feels even more meaningful. 

I hope my answer has enhanced your understanding of romantic connection and why people are so obsessed with finding it.

Much love,

Professor Valentine