Writer’s Note: The following piece is intended as satire. Please don’t take this out of context and write the newspaper angry letters.
In the wake of the recent snowstorm and power outages, people around campus are starting to ask questions about the school’s management of the crisis. We were without power for almost a full 24 hours. Classes were cancelled at Amherst, Mount Holyoke and Smith. Hampshire College blew up. Townies took over Val, invoking “Squatter’s Rights.”
But students looking for answers here at the College are barking up the wrong dying, limbless tree. We need to place the blame where it belongs: President Obama.
Now, I’m sure some of you liberal Obammunists out there are spitting out your six-dollar cruelty-free soy lattes to spout typical lefty nonsense like, “The President doesn’t control the weather,” or “Let’s focus on helping those affected by the storm.” And let’s not forget that old go-to line, “Nobody could have predicted a massive snowstorm in October.”
Well boo-hoo! I’ve got some hard data that you won’t get from your lame-stream media. Airtight, correlative proof.
Under President George W. Bush, no big-government blizzards ever shut down classes before Halloween. Likewise, Bush Sr. never let this happen on his watch. And I think we all know that under St. Ronald the Bold, the United States existed in an idyllic state of perpetual summer. True, Clinton also has a clean record, but that fact doesn’t support my claim, so we’ll ignore it.
So what’s different? Now we have a liberal Democrat as our country’s “leader.” I don’t know much about weather, but I think that from the data I’ve compiled here, it’s an undisputable fact that Barack Obama’s progressive agenda is to blame for this freak blizzard. Clearly, government regulation drove the snowstorm to occur at an unusually early date. We can only expect worse until Jan. 20th, 2013, when President Herman Cain takes office. I hope all you liberals that voted for Hope and Change back in 2008 are happy. I don’t know about you, but giant, unseasonable snowstorms aren’t my idea of change!
Obama probably thinks the solution here is some kind of a snow tax. Wrong! What this country needs is a return to its roots, to the original, traditional weather patterns that made it great. We need to take our weather back! I assume that, as it is with the economy, government regulation only inhibits the natural workings of weather. Government agencies like FEMA make weather think it’s okay to just happen anytime, anywhere, as it did on Saturday. Obama and his cadre of weather-controlling elitists should do as our Founding Fathers would have, and allow the free market to determine what the weather will be.
Frankly, I don’t see any way to fix our nation’s weather problems as long as Obama is in charge. Why should we work with him to clean up this mess? Conservatives’ best hope is to ensure that he’s a one-term president, ideally by obstructing and sabotaging him at every turn.