Ranking Teams Based on Violence

Everyone loves a sports ranking article. Today, instead of ranking Amherst College’s teams based on how well they perform, I will rank them based on how violent their players, sports, and playstyles are, which is undoubtedly more important. Most men’s and women’s teams will be grouped together unless they display very different styles of play. Without further ado, let’s dive in.

HM: Crew

Considering they are not a varsity team, it feels inappropriate to put them officially on this list. An honorable mention feels necessary, however, since they are one of the best programs on campus. While they succeed in races, they are not anywhere near as dominant in violence. The Mammoths, while not physically violent, are incredibly brutal to the water. If I were to officially put them in, they would rank between Cross Country and Field Hockey.

No. 15: Tennis

You literally have a net barrier blocking contact between the two sides. This is disgusting. I’m not sure how tennis is so popular yet has no violence outside of passive-aggressive comments to opponents and referees. Abolish the nets and give each side the chance to fight.

No. 14: Swimming & Diving

I think this sport has a lot of potential for violence, but it needs to make some effort to unlock that potential. During races, the water splashes onto other swimmers. There is no body-to-body contact, but at least there is some physical contact.

No. 13: Cross Country

A very cool set of teams with basically no violence in their races. These guys probably read Buddhist literature. I could see players bumping into each other, maybe tripping one another if dirty Williams runners are involved. Great potential for violence that needs to be realized.

No. 12: Golf

Regardless of how chill the teams are, golf is too chill for my liking. At times, the golf ball can strike someone, and the players typically hit the ball with some conviction. We need to workshop here to involve more violence.

No. 11: Squash

Squash is a real sport, not just a strange food. Sometimes, you can see opponents brush past one another; on occasion, you may even see a real bump between them. Nowhere near the level of violence I need, but it's an improvement nonetheless. No more barriers between players.

No. 10: Field Hockey

Field hockey back pain may be real, but not violence. Minimal contact, but the ball sometimes strikes players and goalies. I consider the sport to be quite similar to women’s lacrosse but slightly less violent.

No. 9: Volleyball

They may have a barrier between the two sides, but hear me out: They literally use the term kill when a team gains a point or possession. Lots of diving on the ground and physical contact is good, even if it’s not in the traditional person-to-person way.

No. 8: Women’s Lacrosse

What brings down women’s lacrosse’s ranking is the referees worrying about “player safety” or something silly like that. The players don’t wear as much protective gear as the men’s sport, which you’d think would be better for violence, but it isn’t! You see some violence through running, face-offs, egregious fouls, etc. If I had any say, I’d give them helmets and gloves and let the players fight it out.

No. 7: Track & Field

You’d think that this should’ve been placed closer to cross country, right? Wrong! The variety of events — jumping, throwing, running — each opens the door to new opportunities for violence. Plus, some players are realizing the potential in the sport. A Virginia high school track athlete is facing charges after allegedly hitting an opponent in the back of the head. Most would say such an act is an awful and unsportsmanlike thing to do; I say do more.

No. 6: Baseball & Softball

Now we’re getting to some of the good stuff. While it’s not an open-field type of sport, violence is quite prevalent. Plenty of diving, high-speed throws and hits, and lots of trash talk. A fastball aimed at a head or a hit that drives right into a player can be deadly, so the stakes can be really high. There is not much else to say; the other sports just display violence more prominently.

No. 5: Basketball

So many fouls. True body-on-body contact. Sometimes, you even see a small skirmish break out. Not only is it a great sport, but it shows great levels of violence, too. Keep doing you, basketball.

No. 4: Soccer

No one gives this sport enough credit for the amount of violence it has. Sure, there’s some flopping and time-wasting. But try getting cleated a few times a game and then claim it is a soft sport. People get bodied, jumped over, and pushed to the ground. There’s a yellow and red card system for a reason: there is violence.

No. 3: Football

We make jokes about this team and sport quite a lot here, but truly, there is a diversity of violence present. Almost every position gets an equitable opportunity to commit obscene roughness, as even the kicker gets an occasional hit on an opponent. The inclusion of quarterback sacks and kick returns in the game makes football a sport built for violence.

No. 2: Men’s Lacrosse

It may be a bit controversial to put this above football, but at least there are breaks between plays in football. Men’s lacrosse is in constant motion, with players constantly checking for opportunities to strip each other of the ball. While the violence is more minimized in men’s lacrosse compared to football, the constant rate at which you see it from both the offensive and defensive sides is fantastic. Call it bias as a former lacrosse guy, but men’s lacrosse is a sport abundant in violence.

No. 1: Ice Hockey

My shayla. I love ice hockey so much, especially in the professional sense. While you can’t officially fight in Division III ice hockey, you can feel the anger brewing in the players. They bump into each other so often, and I’m never deprived of a good time when watching our Mammoths compete. Stay violent, ice hockey.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.