Satire: A Look into Strategic Management of Amherst College’s Budgets

Axe: I hate to bring it up in this weather, but it’s time to look at our budget again.

Lye: I agree. We definitely need some help here — as of last night the numbers stopped working out. I think we’ve been overspending for the past decade.

Axe: We need to conduct some strategic work on Amherst College's staffing model. Let’s start with that useless chemistry department.

Lye: Yes, the chemistry department should have some restructuring done … get it? Like get them into a six-membered ring or something. We can have substitution and elimination, but no addition.

Axe: I suggest eliminating one of the chemistry lecturers. Why do we need two? Let’s get rid of the senior, it’s time for him to retire anyways. 

Lye: Good idea! Seniors should have their senior privileges, instead of being stuck with teaching thermodynamics and kinetics.

Axe: Right? He’s been teaching that for who knows how many years. Does he ever get tired of it? I definitely would.

Lye: I do know that some students really appreciate his maple syrup. We can perhaps offer him a catering position in the new Student Center and Dining Commons. Sound good?

Axe: Yep! Onto the Office Of Admissions. I don’t see the need for admissions officers. Personal statements are all written by artificial intelligence (AI) these days. We should not be wasting human resources on reading those.

Lye: I agree. For the Class of 2030, we should actually admit students based on AI use. Given that we just made Gemini, NotebookLM, and Zoom AI Companion free, we want students who have the most experience with it. 

Axe: It is important that we prepare our students for this new age of AI by hiring the experts. 

Lye: Oh, of course. Besides, they’re not really “hires” since they pay $92,400 to help us develop AI anyways. But to further improve our budget, we need to look at all our expenditures. Let’s start with the clubs.

Axe: Ski club has the highest budget. There is no need to transport students to ski resorts when we have snow right here on campus. 

Lye: And why do we even bother to fund the skis and snowboards? Grab a cardboard box from the dumpster and that works just as well. Or a trash bag even!

Axe: Wait! Hold off on the cardboard. We need those to make Val to-go cups. 

Lye: You are so right! Another club I was thinking of looking into was the equestrian club — they have the second highest budget. We see the horses as staff too, and as of now, our focus is really on reducing these positions.

Axe: I was also thinking about that. Why don’t we transition the club into a hobby horsing group? These horse girls would probably be just as happy.

Lye: Perfect! We can fire all the horses. They shouldn’t be horsing around anyways. Amherst College is more serious than that. 

Axe: I think that’s all the changes we should make for now. We will reconvene at Val’s demolition.

Lye: Putting that into my calendar now. Also, make sure to keep this on the down low. We can’t have any of this published in The Amherst Student. If the students find out, they may riot.