Satire: Anna and Isha’s Declassified Dorm Survival Guide

Note: Adapted from a conversation between two rising sophomores (numbers 1600 and 1601, respectively) deciding where they’ll live next year.

Anna: I think I’ll live in Tyler next year. It’s so far away from the main campus that it doesn't even feel like it’s part of the school! It’s like I’ve got my very own house to go back to — makes me feel so mature and independent.

Isha: If I live in Tyler, I never have to go on runs again! I’ll get so many steps in.

Anna: Right? And as Amherst College Emergency Medical Services members, one call to the main campus from Tyler gets all our cardio in for the day! Who needs the gym when you get to sprint downhill at 3 a.m.?

Isha: So true. Have you thought about living in Plimpton? You’d be among the coolest at Amherst because you’d be living with midnight black mold known to throw microscopic raves.

Anna: That’s great news for us biology majors! But why is there caution tape all over that place right now? I wish we could get a closer look without showing up in the police log tomorrow.

Isha: There’s caution tape? I thought that was a part of the building’s design. I just hopped over it.

Anna: Could be. I mean, no one I’ve talked to actually knows what Plimpton looks like. So it very much could be a design — adds to the fun of living there!

Isha: I’ll honestly miss living in the First Year Quad. My housing number was so good freshman year that I got a forced triple in Appleton! Appleton is the most beautiful place on earth — second to Val. I love that there's only one common room because people should be studying in bed. It’s where I’m most productive!

Anna: Ugh, you’re making me so jealous. My housing number was so bad that I ended up in Charles Pratt. The water there is never hot enough, but I guess I learned to appreciate cold showers. And there are always so many tour groups there to observe us like zoo animals. I’m sure you’ve never gotten a tour group at Appleton!

Isha: They don’t want to give prospective freshmen false hope by showing them Appleton. Duh! But you should be grateful for Pratt. You get to shower with rats and icy refreshing water. It’s the perfect way to wake yourself up for your 8 a.m. classes.

Anna: It’s such a shame that I’ll never be able to live in Appleton. I heard Cohan’s very good for sophomores, though. Apparently there’s some controversy, but it must be good if every sophomore I know lives there, right?

Isha: Bro. It’s gonna be all singles next year! Who’s gonna wanna live there now? College isn’t fun without having a roommate who utilizes the full fridge for themself, turns on the light when you’re sleeping, and lets their partner sleep in your bed.

Anna: Is there a place you would absolutely not live in? For me it’s the Greenways. I didn’t come all the way over to New England just to live in a block of steel and glass! I want the classy stuff — the red bricks and white pillars, you know.

Isha: Oh yeah. And I hate that stupid bridge. I don’t want to be connected to other dorms. If housing selection goes awry and I end up in the Greenways, I’m gonna seal that damn bridge myself with Michael Elliott’s purple ties.

Anna: I’m sure he has enough of them! They seem sturdy too. Anyways, I don’t like all the central campus dorms either. All the M’s — I could never tell them apart. Isn’t there one called More Row or something? And also some other Pratt?

Isha: It’s called Morris Fratt. I wouldn’t go near that place if I were you.

Anna: Why?

Isha: Cause I always see frat guys running around that place. There are also some crazies that live there. Did you know that someone tore the ceiling off the first floor common room?

Anna: I had no idea! It was probably one of the CHEM-165 students after their third “celebration.”

Isha: Isn’t Cartier just the coolest for calling his exams “celebrations”?

Anna: The coolest.

Isha: Anyway, that’s why I’m sticking to my plan of ranking Tyler as my first, Plimpton as my second, and Appleton as my third.

Anna: As much as I love Appleton, I’d hate to be around those demonic freshmen again. They’re everywhere on the quad! I just want to admire the beautiful scenery, not some frisbees being thrown around.

Isha: But since we’ll be sophomores, we can take over the quad with our superiority. I’ll confiscate every frisbee, spikeball net, picnic blanket, and hammock.

Anna: Can we actually start doing that right now? We’ll have so much fun when we bring all that up The Hill! Anyways, I’m confident that I can get either Tyler or Plimpton. There’s no place other than The Hill that I'd rather live at. I’ll see you up there!

Isha: All hail The Hill!!!