Student Squared: Karl Miller
In this edition of Student Squared, Editor-in-Chief Edwyn Choi ’27 chases Karl Miller as he runs through campus. A little lost, Miller shares his insights on everything from accounting to his family life.
Q: How’s your freshman year going?
A: I’m a little lost. Is this for Tiktok?
Q: I get it, I really do. Moving away from home for the first time is a really difficult thing to do. But it’s something to be proud of. Tell me, where are you from?
A: Well, I’ve lived in Amherst all forty years of my life. I jog through this campus every now and then since it’s so pretty. Listen, is there anything —
Q: It sounds like you’re really busy.
A: I am. Look, I’m currently in the middle —
Q: Let me finish my question. It sounds like you’re really busy. What activities are you a part of on campus besides the Running Club?
A: I never said I was a part of the Running Club, but okay. And I don’t know where you guys got this idea from, but I’m not a student here. But since you asked, besides jogging every now and then I don’t really have hobbies. I guess I like to watch movies, but I’m a little too busy with work and some complications I’m having with my wife. Can I please just —
Q: I love movies too! Are you planning to be a Film and Media Studies major then?
A: Whatever. No. I studied accounting at Rutgers [University] back in like 2004 and have been an accountant for a private firm nearby since then. Does that answer your question? Again, I’m not a —
Q: I didn’t know the college offered accounting degrees. What’s your daily schedule like?
A: I don’t think your school offers accounting classes, period. In any case, I wake up at around 7 [a.m.], eat breakfast and shower, all the normal morning activities. I get to work, which is a short car ride away, at around 8 [a.m.] It’s a normal corporate job, nothing too fancy. I leave around 5 p.m. and spend the rest of the day with my family. But look, I have a meeting with Lisa soon —
Q: Were you always interested in accounting? And who’s Lisa?
A: Lisa’s my lawyer. And I guess I was interested in accounting because I really didn’t know what else I wanted to do. I don’t mean it in the sense that I was so drawn to it that I couldn’t imagine doing anything else, but in the sense that accounting seemed to strike the balance between being practical and not overwhelmingly difficult. So I guess you could say I was drawn to accounting because it felt like a shrug, but a good shrug. You know, it was through one of my accounting classes that I met my wife. Are we ... I lost my train of thought.
Q: Do you have a favorite spot on campus to study or hang out? Or a favorite place in town?
A: I don’t know this school’s campus well enough. But I guess I visit the CVS nearby a lot. Both the one downtown and —
Q: Is there a favorite item you like to buy from CVS?
A: God, what are all these questions! No, I just like to stand around inside, take in all the interesting products and chat with the staff. I guess I also like to buy the chips there, which I shouldn’t do because my doctor says I’m at risk for colon cancer nowadays. Also, sometimes I buy cigarettes from there for the homeless, which my wife, Michelle, thinks is a waste of money. You know, she’s such —
Q: Chips, cigarettes. Great. If you could learn anything new, what would you want to learn?
A: You must have a lot of questions typed into your phone there. I guess one thing I’ve always wanted to learn was table tennis. I kind [of] forgot about that, though, until I saw “Marty Supreme” the other day at Cinemark [at Hampshire Mall and XD]. Fantastic movie, by the way. I saw a lot of myself in Marty. Especially when he gets spanked and, uh ...
Q: Oh wow, that’s interesting. Tell me more about why you’re so fascinated by spanking.
A: My father used to spank me.
Q: Alright, moving on. If you could only listen to one artist for a year, who would it be?
A: I don’t really listen to music.
Q: I’m so sorry.
A: Excuse me?
Q: Do you have any advice for students who might have shared experiences?
A: Don’t marry. And don’t yell at the guy who [legally] serves you; he didn’t do anything wrong. But why are you sorry that —
Q: It seems like you’re in a pretty rough place in your life right now: If you were to trade lives with anyone at Amherst for the day, who would you pick and why?
A: You’re a terrible person. But [to answer your question] maybe one of the professors here? Sometimes I look at my kids and feel like I don’t know them, so maybe teaching some students here would help me out with that.
Q: And what subject would you teach? Any course ideas?
A: Practically speaking, I guess that’d be accounting. But you guys don’t have an accounting department. So I guess the next logical step would be economics. I don’t know what type of economics I would specialize in or whatever, but I think I’d like to teach an introductory course and get the reputation of being a harsh grader.
Q: That’s oddly specific.
A: Yeah, I guess I’ve always just wanted to be respected. And everyone in my classes back when I was a student mocked all the soft professors, and I don’t like being mocked. I think I always revered the professors who were tough graders, so I want to —
Q: That’s so valid! Do you have a favorite moment from orientation so far?
A: What orientation? Wait, my lawyer’s calling. Yes, Lisa. I’ll be on my way soon. No, not right now. I’m getting interviewed for some Tiktok account. No, I haven’t said anything bad about Michelle, of course not. What? How would that affect the case? Come on. Oh — alright, alright. But look, I still have a couple days to respond, don’t I? Great.
Q: If you were to —
A: I’m in the middle of something, can’t you see? Sorry, that was the interviewer. Yes, he’s a student. Would he want to — why — hey, interviewer, in the event that this goes to trial, do you want to testify about my good character?
Q: I stand in solidarity with your struggle, but I think we’re in different stages of our lives right now.
A: I don’t understand what that even means.
Q: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Language comprehension isn’t everyone’s strongest suit. I’m sure you have other strengths.
A: Oh, [redacted]. But Lisa, why in God’s name would this go to trial? And why would we need a witness for my good character? Can’t the courtroom already see that? Now you’re asking why I’m not at the office already? I already told you: I’m being interviewed, that’s why. You’re on limited time? So am I, Lisa, so am I. Everyone’s on limited time, and it’s not everyday you get an interview. And anyway, there’s no way she’s getting custody. Look, I’ll be there soon. Just not now. Yeah, I have the papers. Alright, goodbye. I apologize for being mean — oh, she hung up.
Q: Wait, one last question: What’s something you’re looking forward to?
A: I wish I had a gosh darn clue. I don’t think I look forward to many things nowadays, especially not after Michelle filed for divorce. She’s apparently spending the night at a friend’s house — even though she hasn’t done that since we got married — so I’ll be making dinner for myself and the kids. I guess I’m looking forward to that. I think we’ll be having ramen. What’s the Tiktok [account], by the way?
Q: Our instagram account is @theamherststudent. Do you have any final comments?
A: Tag me.
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