Ask Doc Tyler

I seem to have a very strange disorder. Every time I hear the words “red light,” I think I’m a traffic signal-I stand straight up and flash everybody near me. Sometimes, when people keep walking, ignoring me, I get really mad, but there’s nothing I can do, because I’m just a traffic signal. Whenever the Police’s “Roxanne” plays, I go into shock. Help.

-Losing it in Leland

Dear Losing it,

I understand your condition. This one time, at Amherst, a young gent came to my office because he thought he was a tomato. I told him to follow me down the hall; at once, I proceeded to sprint ahead of the vegetable-headed lad. As he lagged behind, I walked back toward him, pushed him on the floor, and stepped on him. I said, “Ketchup.” Ha ha. But seriously, my advice for you is to seek professional help. Go to the Depart-ment of Transportation and tell them you’re looking for a corner to work.