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A lot of my friends have been telling me that there’s no Doc Tyler, but I don’t know if I believe them or not. Is there a Doc Tyler? -Virginia in Valentine Dear Virginia, Yes, there is a Doc Tyler, as much as there are Virginias or friends or college students drinking beer on the weekend. Why, where would the world be without a Doc Tyler? Who would be there to provide a favorite campus with weekly words of wisdom? Who would reflect on years of collegiate observation to relate his life to mode

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You know what a fetish is, right? Well, I have a fetish. A fetish for Valentine tuna salad-you know, it’s mushy, smelly, fairly inanimate. I can’t get enough. Whenever they serve it, I take at least 100 platefuls throughout the course of a meal, put them in my backpack and cart them back to my room for later “use.” I often use different disguises-I’m hideous, aren’t I? -Hideous in Hamilton Dear Hideous, Yes, I know what a fetish is-far too well, I fear. You see, I once had a slight problem wi

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Your responses to relationship qualms tend to combine humor and practical guidance; therefore, I decided to spring my mundane boy problem on you in hopes that you will be able to give me a clever and unique answer. I, a freshman girl, am enamored with “John,” a senior boy. He’s big and popular; I’m small and lowly. How do I show him my affection? -Non-existent in North Dear Non-existent, Ah, the wonderful, terrible harrows of youthful endearment. My dear, I insist that you re-examine your lif

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I’m not going to lie to you-I am a good-looking man. All I have to do is walk into a crowded room and 30 girls start sweating. ‘What could possibly be my problem?’, you ask. Nothing, other than the fact that I have about as much game as a Swarthmore linebacker. The only way I can seal the deal is by shutting my mouth and wagging my pelvis. I mean, you might not be Shaft, but Doc, can you tell me how to dig it? -Striking out in Stone Dear Striking out, I appreciate your honesty in this world o

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I’m a freshman here, and school has been amazing so far. Friends, fun, independence. Thing is, I feel like I’m losing touch with all of my friends from high school. Even the girl I dated for three years, I’ve only spoken to a couple times all year. It’s not like I want to disregard my long-standing friendships, but I can’t find a way to really stay connected with all that’s going on in my life. -Neglectful in North Dear Neglectful, “Friends forever” can be a misused cliche; while we obviously

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I have a confession to make. I have a crush. An intellectual crush. Not on my professor or on the dude next door, but on you. You are the one for me, Billy boy Doc Tyler. My question is: when’s our first date? -Horny in Hamilton Dear Horny, You seem to be experiencing what Freud described as transference, which happens when a client feels romantic emotions for his or her therapist. You are obviously captivated by my prosody and wit (I don’t blame you, trust me). Actually, in my stallion days,

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I seem to have a very strange disorder. Every time I hear the words “red light,” I think I’m a traffic signal-I stand straight up and flash everybody near me. Sometimes, when people keep walking, ignoring me, I get really mad, but there’s nothing I can do, because I’m just a traffic signal. Whenever the Police’s “Roxanne” plays, I go into shock. Help. -Losing it in Leland Dear Losing it, I understand your condition. This one time, at Amherst, a young gent came to my office because he thought

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You might remember me-I wrote in last week about a girl I had stolen from a friend of mine. Well, I took your advice and told my friend what I had done-now he hates me! You ruined my life! How do I rectify this? Should I even listen to you? -Doubtful in Davis Dear Doubtful, This seems an opportunity for me to humble myself. As I told you last week, “We all make mistakes, especially when our judgement is impaired by alcohol.” The same holds as true for ex-college presidents as for college stud

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I made a horrible mistake. You see, I have this friend who was trying to work some chick. I hooked up with the girl he was macking on, not knowing she was “the” girl. It was a lot of fun until the next morning, when I woke up and told my friend that I had hooked up with the girl. Oh yeah, and I was tanked when it happened. What should I do? -Devious in Davis Dear Devious, We all make mistakes, especially when our judgement is impaired by alcohol. However, we must always remember to look out f

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Hi. This is sort of a personal thing, but I have to get some advice … fast. Last year at pre-frosh weekend, I hooked up with some guy. I think he was a sophomore, I’m not really sure. But anyway, I didn’t get his name, and I vaguely remember what he looks like. So how should I go about finding out his name? Should I even bother? -Anxious in Appleton Dear Anxious, I must say that this sort of problem did not happen quite so frequently during my presidency, due mostly to the fact that our schoo

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One of my friends wants to be me. I wear a headband to breakfast and when I see her at lunch, she is suddenly wearing a headband, too. I hook up with a guy, and she hooks up with that guy weeks later. This is out of control, I can’t stand it anymore. I want to live my own life, and I do not want to be imitated. Quite frankly, one of me is enough on this campus. -Mimicked in Mayo Dear Mimicked, As they say, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Perhaps your friend, through imitating y

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I smoke all the time. I love pot. Instead of going to my classes, I go behind the physical plant to smoke up and then sit outside or in my room. I don’t do any work. I’m scared I’m going to fail out. My professors send me emails wondering where I am, and I respond promising to attend the next class. But then I don’t. What do I do? -Baked in B-Dorm Dear Baked, Am I correct in assuming that when you refer to “pot” you are talking about marijuana? You might be experiencing academic difficulties

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I’m at my wits’ end. All year, there has been one group of about seven boys in Moore who are consistently irresponsible at night, throwing wild parties with the TV room unreserved, playing some odd drinking game with ping pong balls and cups in the common spaces and exhibiting all-around raucous behavior. This is not acceptable. I specifically picked Moore in Room Draw last year because I wanted quiet, uninterrupted study, TV and sleep. -Miffed in Moore Dear Miffed, Just a quick point of clar

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Some of my friends and I are having the Room Draw crisis to end all Room Draw crises. There are seven of us, all freshmen, going in together. There is one other friend who wants to live with us, who we definitely do not want to live with for several reasons. We still want to be friends with him, but need to tell him that he can’t be in our room group. He recently brought up the topic with many of us; what can we do? -Stumped in Stearns Dear Stumped, Back in the day, many Amherst males were gu

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I’m not quite the Don Juan with ladies because I have a lot of trouble flirting. Whenever I see a girl I like, I’m either speechless or rambling-neither of which wins the heart of the object of my affection. What can I do to save my nonexistent sex life and become the ladies’ man that I know I am at heart? -Asexual in Appleton Dear Asexual, Freshmen are often deluded by the common myth that college is a breeding ground for debauchery and fornication. That is far from the case. During my presi

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My neighbor’s boyfriend has been visiting her a lot lately, and their evening encounters have become so raucous that it’s become a serious problem. Do I openly confront her about her noisy recreation or keep my mouth shut? Isn’t it silly for her sexual endeavors to affect my academics? If I talk to her, I would die of embarrassment! What shoud I do? -Sexiled in Stone Dear Sexiled, Your concern is duly warranted-cohabitation and premarital sex go against the Puritanical morale of the College.

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I’m a freshman in a triple, and have been having major personality conflicts with my roommates. I’m very easygoing, but their blatant disrespect for my space, sleep, studying etc. has begun to make me crazy. The only options for me to move to are a one double in another dorm. Either way, I end up living with strangers. Should I try to make the move and risk getting even worse roommates or deal for the rest of the year? -Suffocated in South Dear Suffocated, Because I was president of Amherst