Bathroom Bulletin: Flushing Through Johnson Chapel

Home to the English department and now the site of recent controversy, Johnson Chapel (JChap) needs no introduction. Named after Pelham farmer Adam Johnson, whose $4,000 helped fund the building’s construction, the place where Anthony Fauci had his LitFest talk last year and where the college holds Convocation, JChap is “Amherst’s most important building” (the college’s words, not ours). Pete Buttigieg and Jamaica Kincaid, among others, are expected to talk at the chapel later this semester, too. 

JChap may just be one of the hardest places to access if you’re not living on the quad. For one thing, it’s basically on a double hill: Walk up the hill from Robert Frost Library, and you’ll find another mini-hill that leads you up to North Hall and JChap. It’s convenient to access if you’re in the quad, but otherwise it might not be the right bathroom for you. To be fair, it’s no Lyceum, but think about the effort you’ll need when you can just use any of the other restrooms (Valentine Dining Hall, Frost, Chapin Hall, Webster Hall, just to name a few). 

Like Frost, this building’s pretty old — 199 years old, to be exact. Walk into the main room and you’ll be greeted with a vibrant, red carpet and Greek-revival columns. Let’s not forget the portraits of past presidents (mostly old men) lining the wall, which you’ll occasionally stare at when whatever event you’re watching gets boring. All this is a roundabout way of saying that this building’s both pretty old and sacred. 

But among all that red and white, we all know you want some brown mixed in there (and other colors too, we suppose). Every building, even a sacred one like this, needs its bathrooms. So, how are they? Is it worth trekking all that distance? Staring at the old men on the walls? What’s it like to “Cry ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war” on the English department’s porcelain bowls?

Women’s Bathroom: Ground Floor

Amenities: 4/5

Right off the bat, you are faced with a gorgeous splash of green in Jchap’s iconic stalls. There is an unexpected retro vibe like Wes Anderson meets “The Good Place.” Even the toilet paper holders bring us back in time. There is a big mirror with lots of counter space, five stalls, and wall toilets with a lever flush. Unfortunately, there are no sanitary products here. 

Cleanliness: 4.75/5

So clean! Does anyone even use these restrooms? 

Smell: 4.5/5

No smell at all.

Traffic: 4.8/5

Nobody.

Location: 4/5

Pretty accessible from the front door of JChap facing the quad. Relatively central and easy to find. 

Men’s Bathroom: Ground Floor

Amenities: 3.5/5

Four sinks (each fitted with a countertop pump soap dispenser), three tissue dispensers, two wall-mounted soap dispensers (so five total), and one wall-cutout trash bin. Bonus points for having green stalls. But it’s rather average, nothing too crazy like the Koala Kare changing stations in Frost and Valentine Dining Hall. The toilets here have levers, which are neither good nor bad. 

Cleanliness: 5/5

It follows that such a venerated building should also be really clean (a lesson for Frost first floor, maybe?). There are no doubt going to be messes here every now and then, but I’ve never seen a cleaner bathroom on campus. 

Smell: 4.7/5

It smells like nothing. But there’s a point deduction because, if I’m being really petty, five stars should be reserved for bathrooms that smell like flowers. 

Traffic: 4.9/5

Literally nobody but the faculty use this bathroom. Of course, the bad thing about that is that faculty use this bathroom, and nobody ever wants to run into a professor mid- or post-poop. Other than that, though, I’ve found that this bathroom is usually free, even during big events like LitFest. Perhaps it’s because people feel the need to hold everything in until after the talk or performance is over. 

Location: 4.5/5

It’s a straight walk past the English department office if you’re entering from where the door that faces the First Year Quad. But I’m taking off points because it’s a hassle to get to if you’re coming in from the sides or the back (facing North, South, or the Lyceum). 

Gender Neutral Bathroom: First Floor

Amenities: 3.5/5

Who is this diva? Walk in, and you are immediately in awe of the writings on the walls. What better place to contemplate the beauty of Toni Morrison’s words than on the comfort of the toilet? A cozy closet of a bathroom underneath the staircase, reminiscent of a dingy, club bathroom, or Harry Potter’s bedroom. 

The toilet is a little low, and the sink is a little small — not to mention no counter space for you to put anything. There is one hook on the back of the door, two paper towel dispensers, and no feminine hygiene products. However, it all seems to fit perfectly into a well-loved, worn, and shabby aesthetic suited to the bathroom. 

That being said, some of the writing on the wall (a good alternative to doomscrolling, by the way) might prevent you from focusing on your battle on the porcelain rim when what you really wanted were words of inspiration: Long ago, a group of students took the time to write “ULYSSES” at least 10 times all over the walls (see the featured photo).

Cleanliness: 3.75/5

Not pristine, but we think of it as all part of the vibe. It’s clean with a bit of a rugged edge. 

Smell: 3.7/5

There’s a reason the sign on the door tells you to keep it open: This bathroom is poorly ventilated, and if you encounter it at the wrong time — a closed door, maybe right after someone dumped a few Coco Pebbles in there, and let’s just say they forgot to flush — no words of inspiration can help you weather the fumes. You might as well keep the door closed so the smell doesn’t spread. But on most days the bathroom is surprisingly okay. Just don’t be surprised if every now and then you’re transported to Frost’s first floor bathrooms after catching a whiff. 

Traffic: 4/5

Again, who uses these bathrooms besides the faculty?

Location: 3/5

A little hidden, opposite side of the stairs that goes downstairs into the basement. You may accidentally stumble into the bathroom instead of trying to go down the stairs, or vice versa. 

The Final Dump

Who knew the sacred sanctuary of JChap would have such unexpected, quaint charm? The bathrooms host pockets of unique experiences with accents of opulent green to a grungy dive bar or even the immersive, nostalgic experience of being in a noir novel. 

Ground floor total: 4.47

First floor total: 3.59

You’d think that with age JChap’s facilities would be decrepit by now. But as it approaches its 200th birthday next year, the bathrooms are still going strong, which is fascinating. Think about it this way: There’s a chance you’re reading the same words that literary alumni like David Foster Wallace ’85 and Lauren Groff ’01 read when they, too, were once students fighting a round of (probably) Val-induced IBS. 

What JChap reminds us all is that we’re connected through toilets across time and space: What are the chances you’re sitting in the same bathroom that Calvin Coolidge ’95 might’ve used (low, but you get the idea)? Cullen Murphy ’74? Paul Smith ’76? No other building captures that sentiment better than JChap. Of course, its facilities certainly aren’t the best, but how often do you see bathrooms with such personality anyway? 

Again, as we noted before, it’s not worth the trek if you’re not already in JChap. However, if you find yourself on a night out looking for aesthetic bathroom photos, it might be worth a shot!