Bathroom Bulletin: Top 10 Amherst College Bathrooms You’ve Never Heard of

Converse Hall

During an interview with President Michael Elliott, we noticed a particularly grand door located behind his desk. Yes — the President of Amherst College has his own private bathroom in his office. The interior layout is similar to Johnson Chapel’s first-floor gender neutral singles restroom, in that the walls are adorned with portraits of former presidents for remembrance and commemoration. But these portraits only include presidents who sat upon that specific porcelain bowl in that office. It’s an acknowledgment of the difficulty of being a president of any institution, as if they’re telling Elliott: “It’s okay. We’re in this sh*t together.” Who knew the plumbing system in Converse could hold so much history? 

The Octagon

Enthusiasts of John E. Kirkpatrick 1951 Professor in Law, Jurisprudence and Social Thought (LJST) Adam Sitze’s morning classes have probably wondered where the outside staircase that circles the Octagon actually leads to. What’s behind that special door? We did some investigative journalism (we’re required to disclose that no school policies were broken) and discovered that it’s really a magic toilet hidden on the balcony of Babbott Room — sorry, we meant the room with red carpeting that has probably collected too many tears from all the LJST majors getting an embarrassing A- on their papers. But you might be wondering: Why haven’t I seen this toilet? And who in God’s name is Babbott? We can’t answer the second question, but what we can tell you is that this toilet is invisible to anyone looking up at it from the carpet. The inside staircase won’t help you, either. Look, we’re not saying you should break any laws here, especially for a building so coveted by the one department having an eye-raisingly disproportionate representation of Yale Law School graduates among its faculty (who also really, really love Michel Foucault), but ...

Keefe Campus Center

You’ve probably been to the theatre in the basement level of Keefe, but did you know that you actually don’t have to leave “The Godfather” or whatever is screening for class for a pee break? There’s a bathroom inside the theatre to the left of the stage, blocked by black curtains, and it consists of just a bucket and hand held flushing system. Make sure you time your flush with loud scenes so that you don’t distract anyone. Unfortunately, there’s a $5 fee to use the restroom; the Film and Media Studies department needs to fund its semesterly budget of $110 somehow.

The Science Center, Specifically the Fourth Floor Bathroom in Case You Were Confused

Then there’s the ominous bathroom on the hidden fourth floor of the science center — only accessible to those who’ve had a taste of a certain homemade Vermont-based maple syrup. Yup, if you need a bathroom to cry in after that dreadful chemistry exam, rumor has it that if you squint hard enough at the bathroom mirror, a certain chemistry professor with a French last name will recite Mary Oliver in an attempt to console you — probably successfully (don’t worry, the world doesn’t end when you fail a chemistry exam; it will be okay). 

Grosvenor House

Not many people know this quaint yellow house located next to Valentine Dining Hall exists, or perhaps how to even pronounce it (it’s Gro-ven-or by the way). Home to the Classics and Sexuality, Women’s, and Gender Studies department, there’s a unique bathroom located in the basement that you have to visit at least once in your time at Amherst. Look at the proportions of the toilet (see featured photo) — a century ago, the reigning professors who once resided in this building were all allegedly under five feet six inches, so they had these toilets custom built for size. If only we did this today!

Robert Frost Library

You know how in “Harry Potter” if you just confidently run into that brick wall on Platform 9 ¾, you end up in the wizarding world? There’s allegedly an Amherst Platform 9 ¾ hidden in one of the lovely bookshelves of the first floor of Frost Library that leads to a mystical bathroom where Robert Frost wrote some of his greatest poems. Next time you feel that writer’s block, rest assured, the bookshelves are waiting eagerly to transport you. Remember that confidence is key, run as fast as you can! If anyone gives you an odd stare, remember the wise words of Ron Weasley: “Don’t let the Muggles get you down, Harry.”

Arms Music Center 

Rumor has it that the college spent around $1 million building the new elevator in the Arms music building, basically just as much as the entire building itself, which was built in 1968 for around $1.1 million (technically the cost is apparently at least $10 million adjusted for inflation, but that’s beside the point)! We’re wondering if that million was spent on something besides the elevator, because there’s an exclusive walk-on bathroom accessible only to those who can hit that perfect concert E (we imagine a lot of money would be required for that technology)! So the next time you find yourself in Arms, bring your instrument or sing in that grand elevator!

Cooper House (Exclusive) 

We have not yet conducted a comprehensive review of this beautiful building, but we’re willing to give you access to one of the most exclusive bathrooms on campus. It’s located in the attic room of Cooper House, so make sure to watch your head for the low ceiling as you make your way to this bathroom. The unique thing about this facility is its speakeasy design to filter out the philosophy and non-philosophy bros. Unfortunately for the non-majors, you’ll need to recite a quote from Amherst philosophy department cult leader Immanuel Kant in order to access this bathroom (in German, by the way). If you’re lucky enough to get inside, you can see the communal Kant shrine, an underground “Amherst Seven Wonders.”

Book & Plow Farm 

All bathrooms are made equal — even temporary spaces like porta-potties. If it has a hole, it’s a toilet. If it has a toilet, it’s a bathroom. We reviewed one of these non-conventional bathrooms on the hill of Book and Plow Farm, located right next to the tilled land for this year’s produce. A staff member who covers all aspects of the job, including waste disposal, gave us some insight into the general farm processes. We have decided to include an interesting, interactive highlight: The farm, under pressure to reach Amherst’s carbon goal while minimizing the environmental impacts of artificial fertilizer, implemented a solution that’s incredibly sustainable and carbon-neutral, killing two birds with one stone: Let’s just say that instead of using processed nitrogen for fertilizer, the college has really committed to using “fresh local ingredients, much of which comes from our Book & Plow Farm” by sourcing some student-labor supported material from the porta-potties — all so we could have delicious and healthy food.

Mead Art Museum (Preview)

You’re getting the news a little early: Next week, there’s a toilet exhibition at the Mead Art Museum. It’s a glass enclosure with a two-piece porcelain toilet that will also feature expert performer and Los Angeles native Zacharias Alexander Bernard pooping live for all of Amherst to see. Think of Sun Yuan and Peng Yu’s 2016 art exhibit, “Can’t Help Myself,” but replace the sad robot (and ominous red liquid) with a pooping performance that redefines the landscape of performance art: holes, orifices — from mouth to anus to toilet bowl. What does it mean for the earth’s natural material to be digested inside of our bodies before being violently expelled as waste? How can we reimagine the body as a metaphor for perpetual consumption and waste-making, a capitalist machine, something that will always want to consume more and more? In order to spiritually align himself with the local indigenous traditions of Amherst (the town), Bernard made sure to make a land acknowledgment before he respectfully ingested his burrito from La Veracruzana; locally sourced produce can’t give him that violent kick his bowels need for his explosive performance. Some say he has plans to paint not only the toilet bowl but the glass walls brown, too.