Hearts of the Heard: Sunburnt Situationships

Welcome back to Hearts of the Herd, The Student’s official relationship advice column! This week, resident love expert Daisy Valentine assists Amherst students battling harrowing romantic predicaments.

Submissions have been edited for clarity and style.

I want to take my girlfriend out on a nice, romantic date without leaving campus. Where should we go? — Searching for Date Night ’26

Dear Searching, there are plenty of super romantic places on campus for you guys to enjoy:

Route 9 rehearsal — if you only listen through one ear, you’ll almost feel like you’re being serenaded by Boyz II Men.

B-level of frost – you and your girlfriend can admire each other in complete silence under the gorgeous fluorescent lighting.

The gym at 5 p.m. — it’ll be so crowded, you’ll have no choice but to push your sweaty bodies up against each other.

Jearns basement — this liminal space will make you forget all concepts of time; is there anything more romantic than spending eternity together?

Dear Daisy, I’m worried my boyfriend is cheating on me with my CA. They’re always making eyes at each other over complementary boba during floor events, and I keep catching him sneaking out of her room during quiet hours. I want to confront them, but I also don’t want to lose my man (or have it be awkward with my CA when I see her in the bathroom). What should I do? — Rattled Resident ’28

Dear Rattled Resident, it’s clear that your boyfriend is just trying to make you jealous! Cheating doesn’t mean he’s attracted to someone else, but just that he desires you more than anything and needs you to make a grand romantic gesture to show that you love him back. And don’t be angry at your CA – she was just doing her job of engaging with the student body! You shouldn’t talk to either of them about your feelings – instead, maybe you should try bringing him some boba. Or host a Paint and Sip!

I feel like my girlfriend prioritizes being on the Fizz leaderboard over me. All she wants to do is talk about Fizz and how much engagement her memes are getting and how she can beat out broke4doke. I’m constantly competing for her attention — how do I make her love me more than Fizz? — Forgotten for Fizz ’27

Dear Forgotten, first off, be empathic. It’s completely understandable that your girlfriend cares so much about Fizz — it’s the most important part of Amherst’s social scene and the utmost indicator of one’s intelligence, humor, and respectability. It’s obvious that you need to lock in on the Fizz grind in order to become the person worthy of being with her. Try to make a photo of yourself a viral meme. Post incessant complaints about Val food. Share weird pictures you swiped of Michael Elliott walking across campus or any of Amherst’s notoriously odd squirrels doing pretty much anything. Screenshot any college-wide communication or even this very article! You’ll become Fizz famous in no time.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article written for April Fool’s.