Letter to the Editor: A Question For Dean McGayte: Where is my Wife?

Dear Amherst Student Editors:

I write to pose a question to Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Cupid McGayte.

A recent article in this publication asked McGayte for clarity regarding the official admission process, specifically the athletics recruitment process. McGayte allegedly never responded to this article, but I, too, want answers from the Admissions Office.

My question is as follows:

Of the applicants who have been accepted into the class of 2027, why are none of them dating me? More precisely, what percentage of these students would date me?

Dean McGayte, I would very much appreciate your doing me the courtesy of answering it clearly and publicly. You are welcome to do so in rounded form, such as “95-100%,” which is entirely plausible, or “5-10%,” if such a low percentage could exist. 

Furthermore, given the aforementioned statistics, I demand an explanation for why none of these people have approached me to confess their love, given that I am over six feet five inches, incredibly rich, and love women’s rights. I have all the credentials to be an amazing boyfriend, yet no one has come to claim me. I have been seeking an answer to this question for years.

My biggest concern, Dean McGayte, is that you will not provide these statistics, as you did not admit anyone who fits this criteria. Due to the awesome facts surrounding my bodacious aura and vibes, it seems nearly impossible for anyone not to be madly in love with me. I can only conclude, therefore, that you systematically took away every woman who would find me suitable to be their boyfriend.

If that is the case, you have robbed this campus of amazing individuals who would benefit greatly from an education here.

If that is the case, the Amherst College community has a right to know.

Joseph Allen Supik III

Anne Jacqueline Hathaway Student of Tomfoolery.