Satire: New ACPD Report Finds ACPD May or May Not Exist

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ’25 covers ACPD’s latest investigation, an investigation into the very plausibility of its own existence.

Following a string of inconclusive investigations into the presence of roofies and amphetamines on campus, the ACPD released a report that casts doubt on their own existence.

“We could be real, or we could be imaginary, but currently we just don’t know,” began the latest email from Chief of Police John Carter, which was sent to students on Oct. 2 with the subject line “Timely Warning: Unconfirmed Presence of ACPD on Campus.”

“At this point, we don’t have enough information to confirm that we aren’t just a figment of the campus’ collective imagination,” Carter continued. “We can reach out and feel each other, know that we’re there physically, but we remain unconvinced that ACPD is a real thing.”

A student came forward to the Office of Student Affairs with information about an ACPD sighting at Hitchcock on Oct. 1, but she was turned away due to her “unauthorized presence” at the Triangle. “When the student first told me that she had in fact seen a real ACPD officer, I first thought to myself, ‘It’s extremely problematic that this student was at Hitchcock when she wasn’t supposed to be,’” commented Dean of Students Liz Agosto. “My team jumped into action and referred her to Residential Life for further questioning.”

Other students have reported similar consequences to reporting sensitive information: “I went to file a report about getting roofied, and they spent over thirty minutes interrogating me about why I chose to drink punch that night instead of beer,” a senior added.

Like their investigation into roofies, the investigation into the existence of ACPD has stalled with minimum findings. “We have to train our officers — who could be totally fake, by the way —  to not get distracted by students on the roof or a toaster fire in a dorm,” Carter said. “And every time we’re about to make a breakthrough in the case, we lose hours of our day petting Potato on the first-year quad.”

ACPD reminded the student body that it is the students’ responsibility to protect themselves on campus until ACPD’s identity crisis is resolved.

Illustration by Scott Wang '25.