Sign in Subscribe

Satire

Satire: Fancy and Festive Costumes for Fall

Staff Writer Isha Patel ’28 helps prepare the student body for this season’s festivities by giving a list of costume recommendations. Whether you’re an Amherst fanatic, a group of people, or chronically online, her suggestions are sure to turn heads.

Satire: Rating Things in the Newsroom That Just Make Sense

Managing Opinion Editor Caroline Flinn ’28 and Assistant Opinion Editor Syla Steinman ’29 lament the Editorial Board’s goodbye to the newsroom in Morrow Dormitory at the end of the semester, rating the objects they so deeply cherish.

Satire: College Announces New Student Center Opening Delayed

Satire: College Announces New Student Center Opening Delayed

The new Student Center and Dining Commons, originally set to open in the summer of 2026, is now scheduled to open in the fall of 2027. College officials attributed the delay to structural issues and budget concerns, factors out of the college’s control.

Satire: Valentine Dining Hall to Become Exclusive Athlete Center

Satire: Valentine Dining Hall to Become Exclusive Athlete Center

The administration terminated its efforts to bridge the student-athlete divide when it announced Friday that Valentine Dining Hall is set to become a center exclusively dedicated to the recreation of athletes. A non-athlete recreation center will also open in the future.

Satire: New Parking Lot to Replace the First-Year Quad

Satire: New Parking Lot to Replace the First-Year Quad

Following the closure of the East Lot for construction, the college announced plans to replace the green area in the First Year Quad with 200 new parking spaces. The spaces will be available to students from 2:15 a.m. to 4:45 a.m on Thursdays and Saturdays.

Satire: Class of 2030 Statistics Leaked on Fizz

Satire: Class of 2030 Statistics Leaked on Fizz

The leaked information revealed a record percentage of female-identifying students in the admitted class. The Admission Office also shared expectations of a higher yield rate due to the increased relevance of a Liberal Arts education in the age of AI.

Satire: College Holds Male-Only Listening Session to Reflect on Coeducation at Amherst

Satire: College Holds Male-Only Listening Session to Reflect on Coeducation at Amherst

In light of the recently launched initiative “50CO: Celebrating 50 Years of Coeducation,” the Male-Only Listening Session was promoted to provide a safe discussion space for the Amherst students who were most affected by coeducation.