Response to a Lesbian’s Perspective

After hearing thoughts from members of the community about my article in the last issue, I thought it would be important to respond to some of the critiques. As someone who fervently believes in open discussion and actually engaging with those interested in what is written in The Student, I wanted to acknowledge the criticism posted in the article’s comments section head-on: 

“There is noticeably nothing in this to say what the heterosexual men bring to friendship. It is not any lesbian’s job to save a man from himself. Stop with expecting women to be the caretaker/babysitters of men.”

I will note that this was a satirical piece, and was made with both humorous intent and a hope to improve a truly serious situation. I hope that most of the reactions were due to my framing and delivery, but I worry that some have come up just from the mere idea of proposing more lesbian-heterosexual men friendships. We have groups of people in this world who cannot and will not talk to each other simply because of gender and sexuality, and I would be utterly disheartened if the mere idea of spreading friendship across these groups is controversial. 

Yes, my article does promote the notion that these men would benefit from a lesbian friendship without explicitly mentioning what the benefit to lesbians is. However, having more agreeable and kinder people is a net-benefit to everyone, lesbians included. Men being more tolerant, understanding, and, hopefully, inclined to push for better relations with all women is a benefit to all women, lesbians included. Having heterosexual men themselves begin to widespread disapprove of anti-woman rhetoric and confront other men about it is a benefit to all, lesbians included. Note this quote from my Feb. 11 article:

“I will clarify, though, that I am not advocating for directly befriending incels; it is impossible to have a friendship, not necessarily friendly relations, with someone who does not treat you as an equal or respect you. I wouldn’t want to either — we should all still have our choice of association. I am advocating for, however, befriending heterosexual men that may relate to you in some capacity, some shared interest.” 

Friendship itself is a benefit. While we may perceive that lesbians are getting less out of friendship with heterosexual men, each party is gaining the gift of fellowship. You should only be friends with someone you think would add something positive to your life — this goes for all friendships across all identities, beliefs, and interests. While this article argues that lesbians will be doing course correction for how men view women, all friendships include elements of teaching one another about themselves, their identities, and disputing notions that don’t align with their particular conceptions and sometimes beliefs. If you don’t have pushback and moments of education from your friends — as I received from many women friends in preparation for this article — those friendships are shallow. It’s obvious why true, genuine friendship is beneficial to all, but I hope the overall benefits to the heterosexual men-lesbian relationship, in regards to lesbians, are more clear.

To the point of assuming the responsibility should fall on lesbians: it is certainly not my expectation nor their literal obligation to save these men. Men, however, will simply not make the necessary changes on their own. Between the online misogynists with massive platforms, and the polarized, gendered hatred cycled through social media, it is highly unlikely that men would naturally come to believe in any positive ideology towards women. Intervention is necessary, but are there enough men to intervene and succeed? I unfortunately do not think so.

America, unfortunately, was built on people turning the other cheek and extending a hand regardless in efforts to build a better tomorrow. It is obviously not fair, just as it has not been fair to every group that has endured hatred, bigotry, and worse. Am I saying lesbians have or should have an obligation to solve the incel crisis or the continuance of men’s hatred towards women? Absolutely not. Should lesbians feel inclined or compelled to do so? No. To an extent, it’s neither their problem nor battle. But this mentality doesn’t help or improve anyone’s situation. 

Saying who should clean up a mess regardless of who made the mess or whose responsibility it ought to be to clean it, doesn’t fix the problem. It often takes a selfless act by someone who doesn’t need or deserve to get involved. At a time when people are, understandably, tired of taking the higher ground on issues, I get why people don’t want to approach situations in that manner. Adopting a purely transactional approach, while practical, though, can absolve someone of a higher moral responsibility. We all, in my opinion, should have an obligation to contribute to the greater good — in what form that takes is up to the individual. 

While it wasn’t explicitly stated in the article, my implication was that lesbians would of course have a moral superiority in the befriending scenario, and would be doing a great service for all of us in the process. Lesbians do not have the expectation, need, nor obligation to fight incels — everyone should adopt the moral responsibility to do good for others and should therefore fight against bigotry and hatred, chauvinism and misogyny included. Does everyone take on that moral obligation? No, and, once again, it’s not fair. But nothing changes if someone doesn’t be the bigger person and help move the needle in the right direction, regardless of whether they deserve to.

Moreover, I apologize if I had made it seem that I only want lesbians to make this change. I hope and ask that heterosexual men do their part in tackling misogyny and bettering their perspectives — it should obviously be their moral obligation. I avoided stating this aloud because honestly I don’t believe many of them will, but I wish I had to avoid this misconception. Let me also make this clear as well: Incels and the men who promote these ideologies are the problem. Everyone should do their part, and I thought that pushing for more widespread adoption of an uncommon type of friendship would be a fun and beneficial way of going about it. 

I do my best to befriend as many people as I can because I believe that good people take all different forms; I like to believe I have a fulfilled life because of this mentality. I’ve met and befriended amazing people across identities and interests, from the most stereotypically heterosexual lacrosse players (e.g. my high school friend and Bates College lacrosse player Benjamin Kondner ’27) when I played long-stick midfielder to the most ambitious and generally man-hating lesbians (e.g. Caroline Flinn ’28) out there. I’m also extremely grateful for the many amazing women I have in my life: my wonderful mother, my three cousins who are like sisters to me, and my many friends just to name a few. I’ve seen firsthand how these relationships improve how you go about life and I’ve benefited so much from having them — I hope they would be able to say the same about me. Even many of my male friends have become kinder, better people because of the positive influence women, across the spectrum of sexuality, have had in their lives. Friendship is a beautiful thing, and we should all try to befriend one another, bearing basic human dignity and respect.

This article discusses only one portion of prejudice and bigotry affecting our lives, but the core message could and should be broadly applied: Forming friendship and associations with others, even those who may appear to share nothing in common, is how we may fight against intolerance and hatred. Some people do not have the capacity or motivation, but to those who do, I hope you stand up for what is right and just. United we stand, divided we fall.