Satire: A List of Very Serious Gifts for Your Partner

I don't believe in “Valentine's Day.” It’s a saccharine-dipped cash-grab. As intelligent Amherst College students, I know you see right through this capitalistic nonsense, too. Let us band together and get our loved ones something truly special — straight from our hearts. 

• Instagram Post. Everyone posts flawless relationship photos online. It makes it seem like love has to be “picture perfect” for it to be real. Nah — love is never perfect! You should post the ugliest possible photo of your partner that you can, Photoshop, if needed, and write “I love you.” Tag your partner so they know they are loved, even at their absolute worst. 
• Crème de la Bat. Appleton has a few critters in the attic that are perfect for this French delight! 
• Toilet Paper Pillow. Don't you love how soft and airy the toilet paper on campus is? I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep on it. Now your partner will have the chance to get the best sleep of their life! Grab three squares of toilet paper — wasteful, I know, but your partner deserves the very best — and fold them into one pillow-sized square. Bonus points if you draw some clouds on the pillow with a brown marker so your partner can feel dreamy and light — like they're sleeping on air. 
• Fossil Flowers. Grab a handful of bones from Beneski and meld them into an intricate bouquet. Bonus if you make it into the police log next week.
• Cool Face Mask. Read these instructions very carefully. 1) Grab a handful of snow — go for a brown-looking patch, they have more antioxidants — and put it in a bowl. 2) Grab 16 liters of concentrated hydrochloric acid from a chemistry laboratory and slowly pour it into the bowl. 3) Sprinkle the mixture with some cinnamon from Valentine Dining Hall (Val) and stir for three minutes. 4) Pack the mixture into a to-go cup. 5) Wrap the to-go cup with a ribbon, and you are ready to deliver! 
• Ambiance at Frost. A-level is just so sexy. You can sneak furtive glances at your partner and let out sensual coughs at one of the corporate cubicles.    
• A DNA Helix. Don't you want your partner to know that their love is encoded in your very being? “Borrow” the DNA helix from the biology lounge to show your partner that you both are base pairs: complementary, stable, and bonded together. 
• A Party Just for Them. Your partner wants to get lit on Feb. 14. Book the Triangle now at no cost. Even better if the floors are still sticky from last weekend.
• Val’s Southern Slam. Slabs of bread with macaroni is the most romantic meal you can give your partner. 

Why would your partner want lame flowers, chocolates, and a dinner reservation when they can have these thoughtful, hand-crafted gifts? If you really love them, you should go all out for them.