Satire: FAQs About the New Residence Hall Reservation Policy

Staff writer Andrew Rosin ’25 covers the new Student Hosted Events Policy, showcasing its unintentionally humorous aspects.

The Office of Student Affairs (OSA) sent an email to students on Feb. 14 detailing numerous amendments to the Student Hosted Events Policy (SHEP). The Student answers some Frequently Asked Questions regarding these new guidelines.

What Does the Email Say?

The OSA has banned all parties that involve students.

Who Is Allowed to Host Parties?

Jennifer Herrerez ’23E is allowed to host parties.

What Is the Goal of These Policies?

The college hopes to maximize the amount of fun OSA staff members have shutting down unsanctioned parties.

How Will the Policies Be Enforced?

The college will rely on the honor code to ensure that students follow their guidelines, in addition to a highly invasive surveillance system.

Can I Drink at Parties?

Only juice boxes and chocolate milk are permitted at parties, and only for students who are over the age of 25.

In Which Residence Halls Can I Host Parties?

Students are allowed to host parties in Hitch on the third Monday of each month.

What Happens if I Violate a Policy?

Students who violate the policy will have their ID revoked unless they prove that their parents have made at least $10,000 in charitable donations to the college.

How Have Students Reacted?

Most students only made it halfway through the email before deciding that it would not be worth spending an additional hour of their time reading the policies.

Are There Any Loopholes?

The OSA does not have jurisdiction over parties that are overtaken by Five College students.

Will Students Follow These Policies?

The college would not have sent this email out if they didn’t believe that all students would abide by the policies.

How Do These Policies Compare to Other Schools?

The dining halls at UMass Amherst only serve alcohol and edibles on weekends.

What Can I Do For Fun Now?

The OSA offers a multi-week training program for students interested in becoming college-certified event hosts.

Has the OSA Shut Down Any Parties?

The OSA shut down an out-of-control group of students playing board games and drinking bottled water in the Ford Hall fourth-floor common room.