Satire: “This has Gone Way, Way Too Far”: Elite Amherst College Teaches Disgusting Female “Orgasms”

Our beautiful Amherst College was founded just over two centuries ago by the great Zephaniah Swift Moore to prepare real, decent men for the Christian ministry, which, obviously, remains wildly popular. Today, however, the devil incarnate has infiltrated this prestigious college with the sinners’ deepest and darkest of pleasures. Our fair college has fallen to school-sanctioned sex events. Yes, friends, this college is promoting sex — and in the most freakish way possible.

Last Tuesday, individuals known as the “peer educators” — which is short for lustful, sin-obsessed, freaks of nature — forced us to voluntarily learn about something referred to as the “female orgasm.” What is this? Is the college creating new terms to discreetly divert our attention away from other scandalous activities? Regardless, it must be a lie — my girlfriend of three years has never mentioned this before. The Amherst elite-mind-virus must have gotten to her, as she seems oddly excited about this “female orgasm.” As I attempted to save my girlfriend from the “peer educators,” I had learned that this propaganda reached further than I had imagined. They were going to have a table in Valentine Dining Hall later this week — a public sex show in Amherst’s arguably “most important building,” besides Johnson Chapel.

As a legitimate and ethical journalist, I decided to approach the propagandists’ table and film them secretly to see what information I could extract, intentionally avoiding asking for “consent,” another weird term that these “peer educators” have made up while preaching the “female orgasm.” The heathens began talking to me with what must have been special incantations like “Hi, how are you,” “I love your outfit,” and “Do you have any questions?” I had prepared for such tactics by purchasing and wearing earplugs, but even then, some of their words got through. While the incantations didn’t work, I was still distraught by the lies and misinformation these “peer educators” tried to force upon me. They attempted to describe these supposed “proper ways” to have sexual intercourse, as if there isn’t only one position in coitus. Not that I would know that, though, as a virgin, virtuous Christian boy who has never engaged in such scandalous activities, even though allegations say otherwise. From the terrible experience, I had received a lead, though, from a ticket towards “prizes” at an event on Friday. The “peer educators” were having a massive celebration of sexual intercourse — dubbed the “sex carnival.” 

Arriving at this top-secret “sex carnival,” I went around to see what they had to offer. I was quickly propositioned to place tickets in baskets to potentially win “prizes.” And what exactly were they? WMOs — otherwise known as weapons of mass orgasms. They had mechanical flower heads, which you apparently hold near the “clitoris,” whatever that is. They must be peace offerings to Satan that you bring to this “clitoris,” likely located somewhere in California. There were also fuzzy handcuffs — why would you need those for sex? Clearly, the “peer educators” are planning to arrest any non-conformers. Worst of all, they had extremely unrealistically-sized dildos on display for people to see. What sort of man would have a four-inch penis? A horse or an elephant, perhaps.

I encountered many of these same sexual delinquents at what they called a “drag” show hosted in what is called the “Marsh Arts House,” which used to be a glorious frat house for the ministry, and sexually pure, of course. As I walked into the building, I discovered the event had nothing to do with the arts, but rather was hosted to promote some crazed sexual agenda. Hundreds of students gathered to watch celebrities perform songs in provocative outfits. The singers, clearly paid by the “peer educators” to engage in these heinous acts, had even forced me to join in their performances. Beyoncé told us to say a certain phrase when she said a particular line, and we all know that you can’t say no to Queen B. Despite a great performance by Cowboy Bob, who sang about great Christian values like “drinking that ‘holy water’” and “scoring,” — obviously referring to scoring points with God — I was still deeply upset by this horrid event. How dare the college not prevent these people from imposing their values on me at a completely optional activity; the only values that should be forced on people are mine, and mine alone.

After this wretched week full of sexual deviancy, I contacted those involved and even the administration for comment. Cowboy Bob and Beyoncé didn’t get back to me on Instagram, but I imagined they would have said something in support of my article. I contacted an Association of Amherst Students senator for support against the sex-driven administration, and the official account responded back in an email titled “Honor Code Vote Information”: “[w…e]…[a…g…r…e…e…].” 

I thought about contacting the Muslim community and even the broader Christian community on campus, but I soon realized that they don’t care as much as me because they have become significantly more numb towards this sexual deviancy under Amherst’s influence. I also considered reaching out to the “peer educators,” but I feared for my personal safety because of their spells and secret incantation abilities. Moreover, President Michael Elliott had actually reached out to me specifically during my research process through an email titled “Amherst College Comprehensive Fee for 2026-27,” where he announced a 3.5% increase in the comprehensive fee for the next school year. While he may claim fees rose to account for “inflation,” we all know it is to fund the “peer educators” and their insane sexual events inside Johnson Chapel. With more funding, the sinners may finally enact their final plan to eliminate the oppressed purity society from Amherst. 

Amherst is certainly a long way from Maryland for me. It’s really worrisome what will happen to us with such terrible policies and sex-obsessed individuals in power. I hope you all will join my GroupMe to fight the sexual deviancy that has run rampant on this campus. We now have seven members, including someone who keeps trying to sell me Beyoncé tickets — but after her display at the Marsh Arts House, I’m not sure I can look at her the same way.