Satire: What to Know About the Winter Olympics

Alpine Skiing

What to know: The signature Winter Olympics event, alpine skiers haven’t competed on real snow since before the Industrial Revolution.

Curling

What to know: An extremely strenuous, prestigious, and well-respected display of athleticism.

Short Track Speed Skating

What to know: Athletes allowed to use skates as weapons when judges not watching.

Speed Skating

What to know: Presumably the same thing as short track speed skating but on a longer track.

Biathlon

What to know: Unfortunately, nobody knows who decided to combine cross country skiing and shooting, nor what purpose this event serves.

Bobsleigh

What to know: Gold medal goes to country with best-designed sleigh.

Cross Country Skiing:

What to know: Biathlon but you don’t get to shoot anything.

Snowboard

What to know: Event officially removed from Olympic Games following Shaun White’s final run of career.

Figure Skating

What to know: Hard to watch in good conscience since Hanyu Yuzuru attempted the first ever quad axel but didn’t stop spinning for a full 4.5 days afterwards.

Nordic Combined

What to know: Featuring cross country skiing and ski jumping, Nordic combined is the only event that rivals the biathlon for most confusing combination of skills.

Ski Jumping

What to know: Hard to top Eddie the Eagle’s performance at the 1988 Calgary Olympics.

Freestyle Skiing

What to know: Skiers required to rap original verses as they descend the slopes.

Ice Hockey

What to know: Everyone knows what ice hockey is.

Luge

What to know: New studies reveal that luge requires athletes to not fall off of their sled.

Skeleton

What to know: Similar skill set to luge but ideal for athletes who prefer higher probability of severe head injury.