Satire: When You Gentle Parent Your Boyfriend

It’s almost Valentine’s Day. To amp up the excitement, we present to you our eavesdropping on two girls gossiping about their boyfriends at Valentine Dining Hall (Val) — quite the fitting location! Will they get a cute little date, or will it be a recipe for trouble?

Poppy: What are your plans for The Big V?

Kat: I don’t really know. My boyfriend hasn’t responded to my texts for over a month. I swear he just disappeared or something. It’s our first Valentine’s together, but he hasn’t made any plans. Should I be concerned?

Poppy: Nah — he’s probably busy playing Clash Royale. No communication seems like a dream. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has been extra clingy lately. He wants to hang out all weekend on Valentine’s Day — candlelight dinners, morning hikes, cuddling, and all that jazz. 

Kat: I wish! My boyfriend never does any of that. He usually only hits me up on Friday night to ask me to come over. Plus, he never brings me back to a made bed. Is this a red flag?

Poppy: Men never have their beds made. They expect women to make it for them. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. My boyfriend is the same way. His bed is never made and he is so messy — he never puts the toilet seat up.

Kat: Oh, that makes me feel so much better. Your boyfriend sounds just like mine then. But you said he’s been too clingy?

Poppy: Yeah, he put an Airtag on my purse and follows me around all the time. He also blows up my phone whenever I don’t text back. 

Kat: It might be just me, but personally I think that’s a little annoying. But you also can’t have the other extreme — I’ve never wanted his attention more! It’s time to teach both our boyfriends a lesson I guess. Gentle parenting, if you will.

Poppy: Next time your boyfriend doesn’t text you back, you should text his mom instead. You should consult with the expert on how to raise an avoidant child. 

Kat: You’re right. Next time he texts me back I’ll ask for his mom’s number! Now onto your problems. I think you should give him a very unconventional Valentine’s Day gift to hint at a switchup in the relationship. This columnist, Isha, actually gave a very detailed list of what to give in The Student. It can’t be bad if it’s published in The Student, right?

Poppy: Wow! What a brilliant article. I think I’ll make him a toilet-paper pillow. Maybe he’ll actually make his bed if he is well-rested. But what should I do about him not putting the toilet seat up in the bathroom? 

Kat: Have you ever considered adult diapers? If you put one on him, he’ll never have to go to the toilet. You’ll just have to change it every couple of hours. Shouldn’t be that much work.

Poppy: Oh you’re such a genius! I’ll do a quick CVS trip soon. Speaking of which, I wonder if your boyfriend has been going to town to hang out with his friends. Maybe that’s why he’s been so avoidant? 

Kat: Maybe … would you say he just needs more personal space? I guess this is a teenager thing — even though he’s 22, he sure has a young heart. Oh, my baby!

Poppy: Yeah — when your man gets to that age, he just needs to be left alone in his room. It’s the hormones. 

Kat: You’re so smart! Can’t believe you actually know the science behind all this. Is that what your relationship taught you — that men also get their periods or something like that?

Poppy: Honestly men should be put on birth control to help with that. I’ve been trying to put my man on, but he is too scared of the side effects. What a baby!

Kat: He just needs time to process it. But I’m assuming that’d be difficult if he’s around you 24/7. Maybe you guys need to each take a step back. Ghost him for two weeks and see how it goes. You only know how much you love someone when you’re on the verge of losing them, right?

Poppy: So true Kat! I think we should get Hinge to ask other guys on there for advice with our men. Men know their own species better than we would.  

Kat: So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! All this time I just keep spamming him with Instagram reels. Do you think he’ll come back to me for Valentine’s if I make him jealous? Should I pull up to that UMass frat party tonight?

Poppy: Youtube Shorts are better, girl. No wonder he’s not responding. Nah, the Zu is better — he’ll be so jealous when he sees you making out with that butch lesbian. That will surely humble his overflowing masculinity.

Kat: But I also don’t want him to feel defeated. He’ll never recover from losing to a woman! He told me that ever since seventh grade P.E. he’s been refusing to lose to women in any sense.

Poppy: To be honest, I respect that. I hate losing. In middle school, there was this one girl who would always beat me in everything — Ultimate Frisbee, Capture The Flag, and Dodgeball. 

Kat: Gosh, that’s the worst! As women, we need to collaborate and stop competing against each other. But Poppy, I’ve been having such a deep fear these days. It sounds so silly, but I really do think my boyfriend might be seeing another girl now.

Poppy: That’s crazy, because I feel like my boyfriend is too. He’s always there with me physically … but not mentally, if that makes sense? I also found a Summer Fridays lip balm in my room the other day and I know it’s not mine because I don’t use that nasty stuff — only Dior. It has to be from another girl. 

Kat: How come? Didn’t you just tell me about how clingy he is? How could he possibly have time for another girl — wouldn’t he just be ghosting her? Wait … where did my limited edition birthday cake Summer Fridays lip balm with a heart charm go?

Poppy’s phone lit up. On her screen, Kat sees a name more than familiar to her. They stare at each other across the Val table for a long, long time. See, Valentine’s Day never ceases to surprise us.