Satire: Valchemy: Freshly Squeezed Tomato Juice
As a water lover, I can’t relate to people who need to add flavors or powders to their water. At the same time, many of these water-haters have approached me begging for a fresh take on Val water. Despite my reservations, I have endeavored to create the perfect water alternative — the worst part is that this Valchemy creation is actually delicious. With a watery consistency, taste reminiscent of a french fry dip, and appearance much like a warm summer sunset, this recipe finally satisfies the significant number of tomato juice-loving Amherst students. You’re welcome for fulfilling the needs of this growing community on campus.
Because of the gourmet nature of this recipe, the steps must be followed exactly:
- Select a cup from the third-to-last row of the cups, second from the right.
2. Obtain a small amount of pebble ice, removing the individual pieces until only four remain.
3. Fill the cup with water from the bottle filler upstairs. Unfortunately, this recipe only works with upstairs water.
4. Add one pump of ketchup, pressing down on the lever with exactly 0.49 Newtons of force.
5. Stir with a knife until the ketchup goop has dissolved.
6. Retrieve one cherry tomato from the salad bar and slice it open, but not fully.
7. Garnish the rim with the tomato and enjoy!
Be sure to take this drink on the go, since this beverage is perfect for the sunny days that lie ahead. Due to the construction of the new student center and dining commons, Val now encourages students to remove all cups, plates, and bowls from the dining hall as they prepare for the purchase of purple dinnerware for the new dining hall.