Bathroom Bulletin: The Last Dump of Keefe Campus Center

Everyone’s been to Keefe Campus Center: Mr. Gad’s House of Improv, Grab-n-Go, your mailboxes. The Mind Spa, the movie theater. There’s a lot going on with this building. In fact, it used to house The Student’s newsroom. Built in 1987 as a part of the college’s transition away from fraternities as centers of campus social life, Keefe is now going to lose its status as the go-to place for students, as the new Student Center and Dining Commons  is set to relocate some of the building’s most beloved features, notably: the radio station, makerspace, and the affinity group suites (The Student’s editorial staff will also have to move). It’s not exactly clear what purpose Keefe will serve once the campus-wide transition to the new Student Center finishes, but that doesn’t mean the building’s bathrooms will change very much.

Keefe might be pretty useful if you are traveling from Valentine Quad to the Science Center (SCCE) and you suddenly get the runs — but despite its central location, there might be more bathrooms around for you to use on the way (Fayerweather Hall, Beneski Museum of Natural History, SCCE). And who knows? Even if Keefe does assume the same nearly-abandoned status that the Eighmy Powerhouse currently has, (presumably) nothing is stopping you from using one of its many bathroom facilities. 

But how are they? In fact, where are they? We’re betting many of you don’t know the answer to that question. And are the bathrooms in Keefe as versatile as the building itself?

Women’s Bathroom: Second Floor

Amenities: 3.5/5

This bathroom features a horizontal mirror with three sinks, a paper towel dispenser and trash area, three stalls, a tampon machine, and a broken condom dispenser. The stalls are slightly cramped, but each has a hook on the door and a trash area for sanitary product disposal. 

Cleanliness: 4/5

Overall, pretty clean. 

Smell: 4/5

Smells like nothing. If anything, the large window will handle a good amount of odors released in the bathroom.

Traffic: 3/5

During rush hours, two out of three stalls may be used, but not full enough for a line to form. It’s mostly a come-and-go location except for Keefe regulars who stick around. 

Location: 3.5/5

If you’re looking for this bathroom, check every nook and cranny. We mean it. It’s located in the corner next to the Queer Resource Center (QRC) and there isn’t a lot of signage pointing to it, so it can be pretty easy to miss. Bonus points, however, for the fact that once you do find this bathroom it’s like stumbling upon a treasure chest — this bathroom is also accompanied by two other ones. 

Gender-neutral Bathroom: Second Floor

Amenities: 4/5

This bathroom has a handle flush toilet with safety bars, a nice tray area above the toilet paper, a Koala changing table, a soap dispenser, a sink, a paper towel dispenser, and a broken sanitary products dispenser. As chronic bathroom scrollers, the tray area is much appreciated. The number of times I’ve had to balance my phone on top of the toilet roll holder or shove it back into my jean pockets when I’m pulling them up is too many to count.

Cleanliness: 4/5

Barring a few pieces of (dry) tissue here and there, this bathroom seemed pretty clean. 

Smell: 2/5

Though there was nobody there when we arrived, the room itself already had a stuffy smell that would be the perfect breeding ground for one person’s poop to create a literal green cloud for the next person to walk into. 

Traffic: 4/5

Because this bathroom is right next to two other bathrooms, you’re only competing with fellow gender-neutral single-user bathroom connoisseurs who go out of their way to use this facility. We can’t imagine that there are that many of us out there — at least before this article’s publication.

Location: 3.5/5

See above.

Men’s Bathroom: Second Floor

Amenities: 4/5

Three soap dispensers and three sinks. A red grid floor. A beautiful window with several wrapped toilet paper rolls waiting for you like it’s Christmas Day: This is an announcement to all Amherst men that you’ve been missing out on a hidden gem. This is one of the larger bathroom spaces on campus, nevermind the breathtaking view of Fayerweather that greets you the second you step foot. And maybe it’s no coincidence that this bathroom is next to the QRC: It’s never too late to start exploring your masculinity, and maybe that starts with this bathroom.

Cleanliness: 4.5/5

Spotless, but not shiny. But we think it’ll remain pretty clean year-round — it’d take a lot of effort to trash a bathroom this remote and large.

Smell: 4.5/5

No odors will fester here, not with that window. We’re taking off points, though, because a full score means the bathroom should smell like flowers or other pleasant smells. Unfortunately this bathroom isn’t one of those — it just smells like nothing.

Traffic: 5/5

We’re not sure how many people go out of their way to visit this trio of bathrooms. We’re also not sure how many people go out of their way to use the men’s bathroom specifically. Safe to say it’s pretty peaceful 24/7.

Location: 3.5/5

See above.

Women’s Bathroom: Basement

Amenities: 3.5/5

Like its upstairs counterpart, this bathroom features three sinks, a trash/paper towel area, three stalls, and a sanitary products dispenser. The room itself is pretty big, but the stalls are rather small and/or average-sized — they definitely could do some space redistribution. 

Cleanliness: 4/5

Pretty clean.

Smell: 1.5/5

We don’t know what’s up, but the walls smell super weird, even while the bathroom’s not being used. 

Traffic: 4/5

Again, Keefe is more like a Grab-n-Go situation, and the bathrooms seem to mirror it in a dump-and-depart process. Even during peak hours, you’ll rarely see a line form. 

Location: 4/5

It’s right across from the vending machines, off to the right as you come downstairs to the basement, and has signs pointing to its location— not too hard to miss. 

Gender-neutral Bathroom: Basement

Amenities: 4/5

This bathroom has a sink, hand soap, paper towel dispenser, a tampon dispenser, a lever flush toilet, and two toilet paper rolls with the same tray holder like the one on the second-floor gender-neutral bathroom. There is no coat hanger, and no counter space to store items. Someone was kind enough to leave free tampons in the little tray holder, so this bathroom gets a plus. Also, the size of this bathroom is much bigger than its upstairs counterpart.

Cleanliness: 4/5

Pretty clean. No major notes. 

Smell: 3.5/5

It didn’t smell like anything, but the ventilation system doesn’t seem like the best — it harbors a bad potential for the next pooper to stink up the restroom.

Traffic: 4/5

Due to its secluded location and availability of restrooms in this building, you won’t really run into a lot of people here.

Location: 2/5

Very confusing to find if this is your first time. You want to walk past the basement vending machines and turn right — it will be located along the right wall. 

Men’s Bathroom: Basement

Amenities: 3/5

It has the same setup as its upper-floor counterpart, minus the windows. You don’t realize how important those windows were until you step in and realize you’re inhaling lingering poop particles from however many men ago. Skip!

Cleanliness: 3/5

Definitely not the worst we’ve seen, but certainly not the best. Every now and then a fellow Amherst man will have left you a nice parting gift under the toilet lid — we don’t suggest checking.

Smell: 1/5 

It’s been over 70 years since we realized that “separate but equal” was unconstitutional. And yet the issue still persists today — this bathroom is not only separate from its upper-floor counterpart but also wholly unequal in its olfactory quality. Never have I encountered a bathroom that smells so consistently like urine and fecal matter (barring Frost Library’s first-floor men’s bathroom, of course). How is it possible that the college has let this injustice run rampant for so long? We present to you: The “Bathroom Bulletin” writers (representing all men harmed by this bathroom) v. the Board of Trustees of Amherst College.

Traffic: 4/5

See above.

Location: 4/5

See basement women’s bathroom. 

The Final Dump

We’re really excited to see how this bathroom’s metagame will shift next semester. Does decentering Keefe Campus Center mean that the basement men’s bathroom will finally smell good? Who knows. But you still have two weeks of regular use in these bathrooms before you leave campus and return to the new Student Center. This may literally be your final dump at Keefe — cherish it while you can.

Second Floor Average: 3.8

Basement Average: 3.3

Building Average: 3.55