the high hard one: a sex column

cum (also come)

n. def. semen; jism; load; man juice; nut; calcium shake; ejaculatory fluid; population paste; baby batter; man mayonnaise. v. def. to orgasm

XX: We’re talking about cum etiquette here. And since we’re on a Shakespeare kick: To spit or to swallow, that is one of the questions.

XY: First things first: if it’s a random hook-up, I don’t think the expectation is-or should be-that he or she swallows. It’s great when it happens, but remember, swallowing is the exception, not the rule. That said, she can spit or swallow; if she’s charming my love snake, it doesn’t much matter to me (provided, of course, that she spits it into a sock or something and not on the floor).

XX: And if it’s one of the socks you need to wear home the next morning?

XY: The way I see it, to spit or to swallow is a philosophical choice, and not one to be taken lightly, considering the symbolism, etc. If she isn’t going to swallow, she probably has a contingency plan. Chernobyl II hurts both parties.

XX: The whole sock thing is just bizarre. Tissue? Empty beer cup? Anyway, you’d be surprised. Personally, if he takes too long I get bitter-

XY: -if you’re that bitter, why don’t you just stop?

XX: It’s called a blowjob for a reason, not a blowhobby. No one likes to be a quitter. At any rate, bitterness leads to the desire for the small revenge that spitting can provide. But it does interest me that you don’t seem to care.

XY: Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be so rash with my “bitterness.” The vindictive man always holds the trump card; it’s called a facial.

XX: Bringing us to the topic of etiquette. And a facial, unless specifically requested and agreed upon by both parties, is a no-no.

XY: “It’d be so hot if you let me come on your face.” Haha. Figure this much: if you ever want to hook up with her again, or think you might want to, don’t blow your load all over her face-

XX: -because if someone came on my face I’d tell my friends (and his) that his toothpick did a great job of cleaning my teeth last night.

XY: The dilemma of an asshole: accept the rants of a bitter former flame for the storytelling value of a facial? Hmmm …

XX: Assholes continue to disgust me, though something tells me that they don’t put that much forethought into it. Do we have anything to say about the other way around? What are your thoughts on female ejaculation?

XY: Considering the rarity of female ejaculation-as opposed to plain old orgasms, themselves hardly guaranteed-I’m not sure I have any thoughts. I must confess, though, that I’ve never had to decide one way or the other. I might pose a more pressing question: what’s the protocol governing a titty shot?

XX: If you’re going to cum anywhere that requires a special shower with extra scrubbing, you’ve got to ask. I think we’ve only got one more point to touch on here-flavah. Do everyone a favor, boys: fruit juice!

XY: And stay away from asparagus, beer and onions.

XX: Beer … I don’t know about that, but the other two sound like sound advice.