Two Waitlisted Legends Discover The Amherst Student

Two prospective Amherst College students chatter animately after a tour around Amherst College.

Duke: Hi ... um, nice to meet you. Did you just get accepted to Amherst as well?

Ivy: No ... I got waitlisted. But I’m sure that was a mistake. They’ll probably take me off the waitlist pretty soon. 

Duke: Oh, me too. There’s actually no way I don’t make it off the waitlist. That’s why I signed myself up for this admitted student tour. That tour did nothing, by the way. I need to really examine this school to make a decision between this and Harvard — speaking of which, they better revoke that rejection letter soon.

Ivy: I have plenty of other options, too. Maybe we should look into the Amherst Student? I think we will learn a lot more about the school — an inside scoop, if you will.

Duke: Which student? There are so many of them!

Ivy: No, not an Amherst student, but The Amherst Student. That’s their newspaper, actually. What an odd name for a newspaper. 

Duke: I agree. Which student was so bold to have named the paper after themself? But I firmly believe that the best way to learn about a school is through its newspaper. Come on, let’s visit amherststudent.com.

Ivy: Hmm, why are there police logs in the newspaper? Are Amherst College students criminals or something?

Duke: Look here. “Caller states people have been entering their apartment for an unknown reason.” I think this is an alarming case of burglary. I am now concerned about the $25 in my wallet during my stay on this campus.

Ivy: I am concerned about these Amherst delinquents, too! “Caller reported a group of kids banged [...] her home.” I don’t want them banging on my dorm room and destroying all my nice things. 

Duke: I am unsure of what this prestigious college is hiding. In the article about a potential Honor Code update, we have this: “We assume a malevolent administration [that] is trying to erode the rights of our students.” Allow me to make a wild guess: The college actually supports all these delinquents so it can maintain control over its students.

Ivy: There is something up with the Amherst administration — they want students to be jobless. I just read up on an article about grade deflation at the college. “Departments are debating strategies to this issue [...] giving more B’s” and “affecting students’ professional careers.” If I got straight Bs as a student, I would become a villain. Amherst wants to create the next generation of villains so it can take control of the entire state of Massachusetts, Williamstown included. 

Duke: This paper’s take on artificial intelligence (AI) is also very backward. They said the college will be having “classes that ‘really take on AI intentionally’.” I interpret this as they’re cracking down on AI intentionally. Bold of them to think they can crush my greatest allegiance, ChatGPT.

Ivy: Eh, I’m not worried about AI policy in classes. I’m going to be the smartest woman in all my classes anyway and have never used AI, besides to write all my college essays. After all, some guy here said “women have advantages [...] due to higher fat stores” in his op-ed. So, I don’t need AI to give me the upper hand, I already have it.

Duke: You are not reading closely enough. He also said to “ignore the clear biological and genetic differences between men and women,” which must be a product of neoliberalism and the woke mind. As a male, I believe we are genetically superior still. 

Ivy: Blah blah blah. Guess what! I just saw that the new Dining Center at Amherst College will be “providing alcoholic drinks to faculty and students.” Forget about all these police reports, academic policy changes, and gender battles. I am gonna commit to Amherst College right now so I can enjoy some yummy scotch on rocks. 

Duke: And I would be interested to learn more about The Student. They sure have some interesting — or should I say, wild — quotes out there. When I get off the waitlist, I’ll have some serious conversations with the editors-in-chief about their quote policies.

Ivy: Stay tuned.