Bathroom Bulletin: Grosvenor House

It’s 5 p.m., dinner time. You’re walking towards Valentine Dining Hall (Val) because your stomach is growling at you. Or maybe you’re walking down College Street in order to get to town for a nice dinner out (Miss Saigon perhaps?). As you walk along the sidewalk, you see Lipton House and Cohan Hall on the other side of the street, but you realize you almost missed what’s right in front of you: that strange yellow house right next to Val.

What is it called again? That’s Grosvenor House (Gro-ven-or) — home to Amherst’s sexuality, women’s, and gender studies and Classics departments. While we can’t tell you how exactly that department combination happened, what we can tell you is that this is one of those older buildings (built 37 years after Johnson Chapel): The property ownership passed through the hands of many Amherst professors before it was formally sold to Amherst College in 1936. There’s a Showy Mountain Ash tree next to the house dedicated in memory of the late John Andrew Moore Professor of Latin and Classics Peter K. Marshall.

But you don’t have time to admire the beautiful yellow exterior for long. With the second churn of your stomach, you realize that the growling isn’t just because you’re hungry, but because something else is brewing inside your stomach, threatening to exit before you can eat Val’s delicious food. You start listing the nearest bathrooms within a 1-minute mile radius in your mind — Val? We know what you’re thinking: “The ‘Bathroom Bulletin’ writers didn’t recommend it, so I’m going to cross it off my mental list.” 

What about the Arms Music Center? But even just a few more steps seem a little too far for you to reach. You turn your attention to this bright yellow building in front of you. Though you’ve never been inside before, you’re willing to try out someplace new. And someplace close.

You go up the steps to the house, and immediately book it upstairs (if you’re scared, imagine you’re holding the soft, gentle, and incredibly clean hands of the “Bathroom Bulletin” writers). From there, take your pick of the gender-neutral bathrooms, which we’ve aptly named number one and number two — they’re across from each other. You might fumble with the lock a little bit or struggle to find the light switch, but at least your butt will be on the toilet seat when you need it. 

Gender-neutral Bathroom One (the one on the right, just to clarify)

Amenities: 3/5

Short kings apparently ruled from Grosvenor’s porcelain thrones back in the day: This toilet bowl is strangely disproportionate to the tank and sits pretty low. The walls have a nice splash of red, and there is a framed Roman architectural art on the wall. And sure, this bathroom has the bare necessities — toilet, sink, and privacy — but the appliances are a little odd and outdated. The lock’s very confusing and ancient, as well as the sinks, and there’s an old tampon dispenser, in case you needed to know. Though both bathrooms are gender neutral, one professor told us that there’s a subconscious preference for women to use this restroom, probably because of the sanitary products. But perhaps it’s time for a renovation and a toilet better fit for the current student body: No Kings, please.

Cleanliness: 4/5

Pretty clean and dry. You can place your bags on the floor (there are no coat hooks or anything of that sort) without worrying that they’ll soak up strange bathroom juices — we’re looking at you, Frost Library.

Smell: 4/5

Nothing unpleasant, although the weak door and lack of a clear ventilation system worry us: Drop one stinker, and you risk irradiating the entire hallway.

Traffic: 5/5

Seeing people going into this building is a rare sight — even for the bathrooms.

Location: 1/5

Extremely inaccessible facilities. The only two bathrooms are upstairs, and there’s no elevator to get there. The stairs are also really creaky, which is another way of announcing to all the world (or the portion of the world that is in Grosvenor House) that you’ve got some serious business to do. Plus, the building is only accessible during certain times of the week, and you might find yourself being locked out of it on the weekends before you even get the chance to use the restroom.

Gender-neutral Bathroom Two 

Amenities: 3.5/5

Almost the same as its counterpart across the hallway, but bonus points for the custodial shelf with various cleaning supplies. There’s also a low table for you to put your items on, in case you want to feel fancy. Beyond these, though, everything else is pretty much the same: The colors blend nicely with the bold red interior of the room, and there’s some Roman architecture art on the wall. Unsurprisingly, the amenities are also pretty dated. One other thing — this toilet’s also at a low height.

Cleanliness: 4/5

See above.

Smell: 4/5

See above.

Traffic: 5/5

See above.

Location: 1/5

Across from the other bathroom. See above.

The Final Dump

Look, is this your go-to in the same way that Stearns and James basement is when you’re at Frost? Not really. But if you tried to enjoy life by only doing things that were necessary, that would be a pretty boring experience, wouldn’t it? So what’s the harm in spicing it up every now and then? Why not give some attention to this massive yellow sign of a building that you’ve always managed to miss? 

Grosvenor is such a centrally located building anyway, which is to say that the local bathroom ecosystem’s pretty good over there (and we’ve also heard reports that Val has apparently upped its game since we last reported on it). While you might’ve missed this building’s offerings in the past, we haven’t, and we’re here to tell you there’s something worth exploring here. Hopefully, you’ll try out a new, unique bathroom on campus.

Average: 3.45