Hearts of the Herd: Fall-ing in Love

Dear Daisy, I’m in love with a perfect woman, but I think she is in love with another man … and he’s chopped. All I feel is sadness and shame.— Jilted & Jealous ’27

Hello Jilted! 

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. As beautiful as love is, it sometimes leads us to sadness and shame. Crushes can truly crush people. I hope you know that there is no shame in putting your heart on the line; in fact, it’s incredibly brave. Additionally, you shouldn’t derive any shame from the fact that he’s (supposedly) less attractive than you. Love works in mysterious ways that often has nothing to do with appearance. Her choosing this man over you does not make you any less attractive nor should it be a source of shame. While sadness is an entirely reasonable emotion to feel in such a situation, remember it will not last forever.

As tough as emotions are to control and understand, situations can be controlled and understood. Make sure you’re certain that she’s actually interested in this other guy and/or that she isn’t interested in you. Our anxieties and insecurities can sometimes make us think things that aren’t based in reality. There’s always a possibility you’re worrying about something that isn’t even happening.

If, however, you’re correct that she’s in love with another man, I urge you not to give up on love. One day, you will have a mutual romantic connection with the woman of your dreams; it may just be on a different timeline or with a different person. Don’t let a college crush ruin romance for you. I’m wishing you the best of luck in finding love, whether it’s with your so-called “perfect woman” or another woman who is a great romantic fit for you! 

Dear Daisy, How do I know if eye-tag is working? 

— Wistful Watcher ’30

Great question, Wistful! 

That’s a pretty common dilemma for those of us who indulge in eye-tag, a highly elusive form of flirting through eye contact. 

My best advice would be to make actual contact. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a flirtatious conversation — let alone asking your eye-candy out on a date. Just strike up a casual chat. Talk with them about a class or an extracurricular, and gauge their tone and the chemistry that follows. Simply put, even the most casual of all conversations can give you a better grasp of whether they’re also feeling a connection. Plus, if your eye-tag is working, then a conversation will be an easy way to take it up a level. 

But, if that’s a bit too nerve-wracking of an escalation, some reflection on your eye-tagging can definitely help. Are you always the one doing the tagging? Or always the one being tagged? If you are, reverse the roles! If you’re the one who starts the eye contact, waiting for them to initiate is an easy way to see if the game has been effective. That being said, it’s totally possible that your eye-tag buddy might not keep up the game even if they are interested; shyness, nerves, and fear of rejection can paralyze even the most interested suitor. 

Regardless of whether you choose to initiate conversation, reverse the eye-tag roles, or ignore my advice altogether, I’m wishing you and your eye-tag romance the best! 

Dear Daisy, I met a guy at the Morris Pratt Black Student Union party, then we later met up and kissed in the Jearns (James + Stearns) basement, and things have progressed from there. But, recently, he told me Kirkiversary jokes aren’t funny because “Charlie was so brave.” Is that a red flag? Should I dump him? 

— Divided Darling ’30

Hi Divided!

Unfortunately for both of us, I can’t decide for you whether you should dump him. The reality is that we are all unique individuals, and each have different dealbreakers. 

Not everybody draws the line at the same place, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to draw your line where your friends and classmates draw their line. So, if you feel like you should stay with him because that’s what your friends would do, you should reconsider your reasons for staying. Conversely, if you feel like you should dump him because that’s what your friends would do, you should reevaluate your reasons for breaking up. 

If political issues or dark humor are a big aspect of your life, then it makes sense if you aren’t comfortable being with someone who is quite different from you. But, if those are minute features of who you are, then you may be comfortable with such a misalignment between you and your beau. 

Regardless of whether you choose to shoot your shot or bite the bullet and dump him, you have my support and advice whenever you need a helping hand on the relationship rollercoaster! 

Dear Daisy, I’m in love with my roommate, and I don’t know how to tell her, but, god, I would love to be with her.

— Romancing Roommate ’29

Hey Romancing!

That’s a really tough situation to be in. I’m sure you’re feeling a lot of emotions beyond those of the typical crush — maybe you feel anguished, guilty, or torn. The start of a new semester is difficult enough as is; a turbulent love life, drained emotional state, and complicated housing situation certainly don’t make it any easier.

But you can make it easier by assessing the situation first, before you act. Are there any signs that the interest is mutual, in their body language or literal language? You might want to solicit the opinion of your friends. Are you blinded by love, or does your roommate actually like you back? These questions are important because, frankly, if the signals are mixed, it is best, given your living situation, to assume the worst: they aren’t into you. Additionally, it’s important to weigh the risks of telling her. 

Once you feel you have a proper grasp of the situation, you have two options. If you value a peaceful living arrangement above all, then you should wait it out and let the crush fade; if you are certain your feelings are mutual and/or the risk is worth it, be honest and direct about your interest, and remain prepared for any outcome. Lay out the facts of your feelings, and give her the time and space to process and react. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of time to grasp these feelings, but it’ll be a lot for her to take in all at once.

No matter the outcome, the most important thing is to not give up on love. Much like I advised Jilted, don’t let a college crush ruin romance for you.